American sports be like…

“It’s the match of the century, the match we have all been waiting for, the ultracup match between…

The Los Alamalo Polecats! (Their mascot, a giant polecat the size of a giraffe, comes out of the gate and begins dancing in the middle of the stadium, as the crowd cheers)

The Chippendale Rednecks (Their mascot, a woman who looks like Pocahontas in a miniskirt, is dragged by her ponytails by the leader of the team, while bent over and continually spanked, some consider this to be racist and sexist and want a new mascot, but others consider it to be a harmless tradition)

Will the Polecats succumb to their 42 year old curse again (the Polecats will lose if they play a finale during a waning moon because vice-president John B. Dickenson was once shot by a senator while watching the match over a dispute about civil rights legislation in his state) and lose the finale again?

Or will they finally manage to break their losing spell and beat the Chippendale Rednecks?”

The sports presenter on TV explains.

Thirty guys with very broad-shoulders and massive jawlines who look like they’re 7 feet tall hyperboreans along with some Wakanda types walk into the stadium.

Behind them are some blonde women in skirts dancing around and making handstands like they have a manic phase.

The women sing strange songs:

Hey ho Polecats go

Stick your tail out of the nest

and show ’em your best

The two teams all stand bent over facing each other with an expression on their face like they have to poo. You hear some shouting, you see some hand signs and then they start throwing a basketball with a birth defect back and forth. They also start tackling each other and beating each other up.

A player of the Rednecks takes the deformed basketball and just starts bashing a player of the Polecats skull in with it, while the crowd cheers. With every hit into his skull, their score inflates by one and the crowd goes wild, until the ball deflates.

“Ah a fifty-bockaroom!” The announcer shouts with childish excitement. Now a man of ambiguous ethnic background walks in with a white cap on his head and a golf club and smashes another deformed basketball into the crowd. Someone in the audience catches it live on camera, which causes all the scores to revert to zero and the game to begin again where it started.

Unbeknown to everyone, Rolex Gonzales is sitting in the stadium too and looking at these events with frustration. He was bullied in junior high school because he listened to shock rock horror artist Menacing Darkmoon and he never got over it. He had his own reality TV show once, but he was kicked out when he became pregnant (don’t be a bigot, he had receptive anal intercourse without a condom, which is legal in 43 states) and developed paranoid schizophrenia as a result, believing the CIA had installed a brainchip in his head and the only way to disable it is by ensuring the Los Alamalo Polecats break their 42 year old curse.

Over in East Dakota, Bob Fixenson is watching the match with his buddies in their garden, during a barbecue. They’re all on the new trending patriot diet, so they can only eat grassfed beef and pork lard. The government recommends a low fat diet, but these three critical thinkers see through the disinformation. One was just having a heart attack, but Bob smacked him on the chest with a dinner plate until it broke so he got over it, although his wife didn’t get over her favorite dinner plate breaking. Bob is saying to his buddy Jimmy:

“Hey is that Rolex Gonzales? Does he? Does he have a gun?”

Nobody saw the signs, he had his mom buy the guns at a gun show for him, she thought it was just part of his new hobby. He showed some weird behavior, he was always a bit silent and withdrawn and he once threw a dead raccoon on the teacher’s desk right in the middle of math class but said he just wanted to show off his hunting skills.

And Rolex begins shooting at the field. He seems to be targeting the cheerleaders of the Chippendale Rednecks. People in the stadium are screaming, others fall down praying on their knees, some try to climb over a wall, while others crack open a beer and seem to be enjoying themselves. The sports commentator on the flatscreen TV in the garden begins to comment:

“Ah that’s an interesting turn of the match. We haven’t seen this lately. The Lamuras option, named after the 1996 season Greek-American coach of the Becksington Beavers, whose team managed to win by demoralizing their opponent. Interesting strategy, I wonder whether this is spontaneous or planned.”

Now Jimmy over at the barbeque turns on the radio, where a Texan with a harsh voice comments on the unfolding events:

“You want me to think this is an accident? I have all the documents, I print them out. They planned this event to improve their rating! But they know that you are weak and pathetic, so you will go along with it. But if you buy my supplements…”

With every shot that’s fired, the score on the board increases by one. The sports commentator looks behind him and says: “Um it seems we have some technical problems here…”

Over at the barbecue, the three men, all with a can of blackwasser (the new anti-woke beer, made from distilled fracking water, where per dollar spent a penny goes to a charity for homeless veterans) by now, high five and look excited:

“Hell yeah Polecats!”

“FUCK YEAH!”

“WOOOO ROLEX GITTEM”

A man in a technical outfit of sorts walks up to the board in an attempt to manually adjust the score, but a fan of the Polecats, himself dressed like a very fat polecat, had already climbed up the pole and hugged the score, preventing the man from manually adjusting it.

Before he pulls off the fan (who suffered a mild spinal injury as a result) a lawyer has already filed a class action lawsuit, arguing that the score can not just be manually adjusted and the original score is in fact valid. It will eventually be fought all the way up to the supreme court.

Rolex in the meantime, continues shooting, now walking down onto the field, as a cameraman follows behind him, capturing in real-time how he shoots every cheerleader who still seems to be breathing again.

Over at the TV, a studio interview can be seen with the parents of Rolex. “Rolex, we ask you to surrender to the police, enough suffering has been caused by now.” Behind them we can see a helicopter flies over the stadium, but Rolex shoots at it, causing money and more bullets to fall out, with which he proceeds to reload his gun, as he orders a bullet-proof vest on his iPhone, delivered almost instantaneously by an Amazon drone.

Rolex mom explains she has filed a request with the police, to preserve his brain so it can be properly studied. Rolex dad, who divorced his mom to marry his secretary, is against this and thinks the cause has to be found in all the antidepressants she was taking and the anti-anxiety medication she received while pregnant. She claims to remember no such thing.

Over on the blogosphere, new theories are already emerging:

Senator Todd Paul: “Woke federal agents refuse to release documents suggesting Rolex was ass-fucked into insanity!”

Others argue his libcuck parents let him sit on the lap of a dragqueen, which caused his downward spiral.

On his own social media platform, Donald Trump also jumps into the controversy: “That would have never happened under my watch! The Rednecks have the worst coach, in all the years I’ve watched, I’ve never seen such a bad coach! If I were coach, the cheerleaders would be armed with AR15s!’

The CEO of the organization behind the ultracup, the 92 year old Samuel Moneypile, is looking at all of this from his own private corner office near the stadium (which conspiracy theorists argue suggests it was all planned). He looks at his board members and yells out:

“Look at that!”

“We’ve never had ratings like this before!”

“Well actually sir, in 1992 when a disgruntled libertarian drove a bulldozer into the stadium we-” His assistant interjects.

“SHUT UP! Can’t you tell I hadn’t finished talking yet?”

“Sorry sir!”

“Yeah you’d better be sorry! Now where was I. We’ve never had ratings like this before, except of course in 1992 when a disgruntled libertarian drove a bulldozer into the stadium… so what does the commission think about changing the rules? Is a twenty pokey really technically illegal, under Maryland law?” Mr. Moneypile asks.

“Well sir, may I just remind you that under state law, the use of guns during a match violates chapter II section b-“

“I SAID SHUT UP! I obviously said North Massachoosek law, can’t you listen! We’re going to relocate the headquarters to North Massachoosek after all!”

“And may I add that with 21 dead cheerleaders, Lizza Johnston just having been pronounced dead at the hospital, this technically can no longer be considered a twenty pokey…”

SHUT UP! Mr Moneypile responds again.

Meanwhile over at the barbecue, Bob asks Jimmy: “Hey what are you doing on freedom day?”

“Well if the deep state will let, me, I’m taking an alligator ride down in Louisiana with my family! How bout you!” Jimmy responds.

“Ah that sounds fun. Yeah we’re going up to lake Tahooco, catching flyfish, yearly tradition!”

“You betcha!” Jim says.

In the background, Patricia, Bob’s 19 year old step-daughter, just woke up from a fentanyl overdose. “Wake up you stupid bitch!” Her mom yelled at her, before throwing some cold water in her face, which did the trick. “Next time this happens I’m kicking you out the door, you got that?” Patricia, still half-asleep murmurs: “Alright alright, yes mom…”

“Hey can you two quiet it down already? We’re tryna watch the game here ok?” Bob yells at them.

The evening continued like this and much fun was had, until the next day, Bob woke up with a headache on the couch and realized it was time to go to work again.

11 Comments

  1. Uhm … I really try to get the message, Rintrah, but that’s the only output of my brain:
    Must be a message from someone who eats too much mushrooms, therefore I can’t understand it.

    American sports be like … Colloseum games of the old Rome.

    Is this the message, Rintrah?

    • I am slow – covidbrain

      What point is this anti-TERF, anti-fascist, pro-Palestinian woman (is it a woman?) actually saying?

      Is this (transvestite?) saying that Hitler has transvestite style qualities?

      Because there is nothing special at all about the highlighted lines to my way of thinking. They all seem like the normal attributes, or within the boundaries of normalcy, to me.

      Or is the point that they were making that Hitler was a normal kid, apart from the whole Ragnarök thing?

      And why are you retweeting the tweets of a person who, presumably, doesn’t like fascists? I thought you didn’t like Jews? I thought fascists didn’t like Jews either, so why post tweets from what appears to be an antifascist?

      What is with this strange nexus between Jews, fascism and transvestites?

      • Perhaps these things all represent some kind of deviant cluster. In which case, the fact that it doesn’t seem to make sense may actually make sense.

        Self-loathing, insisting on degrading one’s own masculinity by going into the women’s toilet, hating oneself. . .

        Zelenski is a Jew, and his army contains Nazi units! WTF???

        Perhaps these seeming contradictions are not contradictions at all, but some kind of assemblage of dark characteristics that coalesces together from time to time to cause untold mayhem.

  2. Because we have it about sports …

    I was never interested in any kind of sports, but there is one guy I want to praise:

    Novak “NoVax” Djokovic.

    And this is my message to all other superstars in sports and entertainment:
    You all failed! You all failed so terribly that it’s not possible to describe your shame with words!

    From all of you he was the only one, THE ONLY ONE, who had the balls to stand up and say: “No!”, while ALL others of you succumbed to the evil!

    He is the last and only hero in the world, his name will never be forgotten. But you others, you will all be forgotten and abandoned. You are all only worms compared to Novak.

    • I agree, Novak Djokovic is a legend.

      If he beats Carlos Alcaraz in tomorrow’s Wimbledon final, he will have won 25 Grand Slam titles, more than any other player (him and Margaret Court are currently tied on 24 each), making him the greatest of all time:

      https://www.espn.com/tennis/story/_/id/39364315/who-won-most-grand-slams-tennis-history

      And bear in mind, he missed a few Australian and U.S. Opens due to being denied entry due to being unvaccinated, so he could have potentially won even more than his current 24 titles.

      Margaret Court is also to be respected for standing up for her Christian beliefs.

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