You’re going to be offended because I used the term “white” but the economic disconnect between generations is much bigger compared to people from other ethnic groups and I can only really speak about what I see among my own cultural context so don’t even bother complaining, thx.
white boys be like: My chin to nose ratio is 0.76 and I’m 5’7 so I’m going to be forever alone. I discovered this sad truth when I was thirteen and posted some selfies on a bodybuilding forum to show off my gainz.
white girls be like: I self-identify as agender with xe/xir/xim pronouns, I finally found a doctor who gave me a referral to have my breasts amputated. This all has nothing to do with me being raped at age thirteen by my best friend’s older brother during a sleepover while I pretended to be asleep because I was morbidly afraid or that time when I was hazed at my college sorority where they all grabbed black markers and began tagging my physical flaws and you’re transphobic if you think otherwise so shut up. Who do you think you are, a psychiatrist? Ssh.
white boys be like: I’m going to buy some Ravencoin I heard from a friend who is a cryptomillionaire that Elon Musk will be tweeting about it which will cause it to go x10 and I can use 100 times leverage on a DEX so I’m pretty sure that I’ll never have to work a day in my life again when I sell my bags next week.
white girls be like: I finally got my Master’s degree in Celtic languages but unfortunately there are not a lot of jobs in Celtic languages, so I’m now going to do a Phd in Celtic languages so that I will be able to get a job in Celtic languages. I will probably be 32 when I finish my Phd. My mother gave birth to me at age 26.
white boomers be like: “It looks like the flu is going to be three times as deadly as normal this year and my personal chance of dying this year will increase from 0.22% to 0.26% as a consequence, so let’s lock young people up in their homes and make sure they can’t hold any illegal parties where they might spread this new deadly virus. It’s not like we’re dealing with a generation of vulnerable young people struggling with an unprecented epidemic of poor mental health who may be inadvertently pushed over the edge and become consumed by online echobox subcultures where their delusions will be constantly validated and thereby intensified.
My children have excellent mental health as far as I am aware, so I don’t see why this might be a bad idea, I’m sure they’ll manage just fine. My son will probably be playing video games for a while and perhaps my daughter will use this opportunity to finally get around to learning French through Duolingo.”
white boys be like: MY PENIS IS IN THE 63RD PERCENTILE IN VOLUME WHICH MAKES ME A SUBTWENTY PERCENT MALE AND UNATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN WHO WILL ONLY STAY WITH ME FOR MY MONEY (WHICH I STILL DON’T HAVE BECAUSE ELON MUSK HASN’T SENT OUT THE TWEET YET) WHILE FUCKING A CHAD I HATE MY MOTHER FOR EVER SLEEPING WITH MY DAD I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABORTED
white girls be like: I’M AN AGENDER DEMIQUEER TWO-SPIRITED PANSEXUAL MONSTER THANK GOD I FINALLY FOUND A SURGEON WHO WILL REMOVE MY NIPPLES AND SEW UP MY LABIA
white boomers be like: “I think the stock market might be getting overheated, there’s a deli in New Jersey with 40k annual revenue valued at a market cap of 100 million so I should probably be getting out of the market. Oh by the way honey we need to talk to our boy, I found some cannabis in his room and I won’t tolerate any drug use in this household, I sure as hell didn’t spend twenty years of my life to raise him to become a druggie.”
white girls be like: I’M GOING TO DO A POST-POST-POST-DOCTORAL PHD THESIS ON POST-MODERN THEMES IN QUEER XENOBIOLOGY I THINK IT WOULD LOOK GOOD ON MY RESUME
white boys be like: WHEN GME MOVES ONE STD ABOVE THE BOLLINGER BAND THE HEDGE FUNDS WILL BE FORCED TO CLOSE AND EVEN THE ZIONISTS OVER AT ROBINHOOD WON’T BE ABLE TO BAIL THEM OUT AND MY LEVERAGED CALLS WILL GO x1000 OVERNIGHT AND I WILL NEVER HAVE TO WORK ANOTHER DAY IN MY LIFE SO I WILL FINALLY HAVE THE CONFIDENCE TO ASK OUT THAT GREEN-HAIRED PALE GIRL DOWN THE STREET WHO IS ALWAYS STARING AT HER FLUORESCENT SCREEN ALL DAY LONG WHILE HER HYPERACTIVE IMMUNE SYSTEM GRADUALLY CONSUMES HER BRAIN
white boomers be like: Well honey I think it may be time for the Fed to raise interest rates because it looks like the Shiller P/E ratio is about to move above 55 and it seems house prices are rising by 20% on an annual basis now so I get the impression that the economy is overheat-FUCK CALL AN AMBULANCE I JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK AFTER SITTING INSIDE ON THE COUCH FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR DAMN YOU COVID
w̷̥̙h̷i̺ͅt̷̻͍̣̤̠̫ͅe̻̯͙̺̳͎͈ ನೀವು be like: ನO̵͔̯̟̲̪̬͔̞̣͙̣͡ನಗೆ ಏನು ಹೇ/̸̵̴̪̳̜̯̩͈̫̰ಳುಲ್ಲತ್ತಿದ್ದೀವಾಗುವುದಿಲ್ಲ ನೀ~̷͍̼̭͔̪͘̕͘͞ರಿ ಇದು ನಿಜವಾಗಿಯೂ ಅರ್ಥ:̵̨͕̠͓̼̘̦̙͞ͅವಾಗುವುದಿಲ್ಲ ನೀವು ಏನಾದರೂ ಅರ್ಥಪೂಲ್ಲರ್ಣವಾಗಿ ಹೇಳಲು ಪ್ರಯಲ್ಲತ್ನಿಸುತ್ತಿದ್ದೀರಿ ಎಂದು ನಾನು ಭಾವಿಸುತ್ತೇನೆ ಆದರೆ ಅದು ನನಗೆ ಅಸಹ್ಯಕರವಾಗಿದೆ:̵̨͕̠͓̼̘̦͞ͅ
Lulz, one of your better columns!
Damn I was taking a shit and that final white girl made me laugh so hard I rocket launched a dokie and the water splashed up my culo
yeah its true but you overgeneralize I have seen boomers who dont gaf about COVID, I on the other hand am poor and in my 20s and coudlnt be more happy to work from home, since there is nothing out there for me.
The closest public park in my city is 2 hours on foot and full of stray cats, homosexual prostitutes and homeless people in tents.
Where are single, poor, working class, anxious young adults suppossed to go out for fun? To the movies? yeah maybe but last time I went to the movies by myself it was to watch Joker, I was high on dxm and weed and a group of teens laughed at me on the way out for going by myself, I can perfectly stay at home and pirate them thanks.
Why should I go out to eat and shop by myself when I can buy from home?
Just take a walk around? I remember being 14 and taking a walk around a beautiful neighbourhood only for some cops to interrogate me on why I was loitering and out by myself on a sunday afternoon. Some bitch middle class boomer must have gotten scared and called the cops on me.
And also I live in the third world where criminal organizations pay men to scout around upper class neighborhoods for houses that they can break in, this is so common that people have adviced me not to stay too long or act suspicious in certain areas or you can be mistaken for a member of an enemy gang and shot.
So I ask again, where, when and why should I exactly want to go out? I’m perfectly fine and tucked in inside and your soyjak edits wont make me change my mind, thanks