Americans are an interesting people. Once a year, they travel from across the continent, often by airplane, to meet their relatives, to celebrate a holiday invented four hundred years ago, when a bunch of Indians helped a bunch of puritans survive through the winter in exchange for protection from a rival tribe, before they all started dying in droves of the diseases brought by the puritans and through violent conflict.
Then they take a turkey -a disgusting beast that none of them really want to eat at any other point during the year- and start stuffing it full of all sorts of junk, that their relatives will have to eat after they shove it into the oven. Their president gets up on TV, like some kind of serial killer maniac, or a concentration camp commander in Auschwitz high on his own power and he makes a big deal about how he’s going to “pardon” one turkey.
This HILARIOUS ritual has to be performed every year, to add some kind of insult to the injury of these millions of birds who are killed. This is a tradition (if you want to call it that) invented more or less inadvertently by the turkey industry, that used to send a turkey to the White House to promote its product every year until in the 70’s people got icky feelings about killing the bird.
And of course once you are all seated at the dinner table, after mostly trying to avoid each other, you’ll now have to discuss something. Well what is something everyone has an opinion on? The ultimate fate of the missing Romanov daughter? The proposed endosymbiotic origins of our mitochondria? The original purpose of Stonehenge? Wearing brown and black clothing together? The best Monty Python film? Who were those mysterious sea people who caused the bronze age collapse?
No, politics of course! After all, you all had your whole brains damaged by social media algorithms that gave you a five second attention span! So now half the family is “bigoted” and the other half of the family is “woke”. So now it’s time to OWN your woke family members, or stand up against their bigotry! Unless they beat you to the punch, by no longer inviting you!
This lady explains how as a freedom-loving patriotic alpha male on the keto diet, you should make sure to type down some bullet points into your phone in advance, for when you are asked by your woke blue-haired vegan niece with they/them pronouns why you voted for Trump:
This is how you can own your woke family members at Thanksgiving@CharlyOnTV pic.twitter.com/rFXMnlzpeZ
— OutKick (@Outkick) November 27, 2024
I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I go out to meet people I always make sure to write down some bullet points for when I am confronted with questions about politics!
Why am I sharing this with you? Well it’s good to remember at all times, that things could still be worse.
I want those of you who are American to know that if you’re not typing bullet points into your phone before meeting up with your family, your life could be worse, you have not hit rock bottom yet.
And I want those of you who are not American, to know how grateful you should be for not being American.
Yeah I’ve been spending my Thanksgiving watching “The Substance” and South Park, talking to my family about Buddhism as we smoke weed and drink; all the while eating while eating vegan cream cheese and dried cranberries on crackers and spicy peanuts. It’s fun. I’m going to starve myself for two weeks after this so it’s alright.
As a European, I must admit that I have a soft spot for patriotic American songs.
Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless The USA” comes to mind. I will be tuning in to President Trump’s inauguration on January 20th (#FreeRossUlbrichtDayOne) specifically to hear that classic anthem being blasted out live. Hopefully there will be some World War II veterans in attendance.
Another one of my favourites is Willie Nelson’s (Hero of LSWMs) version of “City of New Orleans”.
“GOOD MORNIN’ AMERICA HOW ARE YA???!!!”
And of course, I’ve saved the best for last. Queen Mariah Carey singing “America The Beautiful”:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FAsVzOAbm2Y?&t=14
*blushing intensifies*
It could be worse.
I could be peddling around a cold, doomed European city that has become alien and is 2/3 invading brown foreigners.
President Trump has been making some fantastic picks to fill out his Cabinet. We’re going to have Jay Bhattachary heading up NIH!
MAHA
My family are mostly all dead and I don’t even live in America anymore so I almost forgot this was a thing, but I’m glad I don’t have to put up with what most Americans do on days like this one.
Americans, just remember this:
Enjoying a holiday? Evil.
Wanting to see your family? Evil.
Wanting to enjoy sex? Evil.
Being an American? Evil.
Not wanting 200% inflation? Evil.
This blog has to be the most insanely puritanical thing ever.
I had a nice Thanksgiving yesterday. That included a MAGA Republican, a vegan who voted for Trump (me), a moderate Democrat who voted for Kamala despite having a low opinion of her, and a super-liberal person suffering from Trump derangement syndrome.
Also a person of UNKNOWN political persuasion.
Thanksgiving went great. We did not talk about politics, did not overeat, and everyone left relieved.
Also, I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL to be American; it is the safest country for me; I am in love with the USA and proud to be its naturalized citizen. I am thankful for not being in Russia or Europe specifically due to hatred of free thought and general toxicity, and ethnic animosity.
>We did not talk about politics
That’s generally a great idea.
>ethnic animosity
Well, your president was on TV accusing Haitian immigrants of eating people’s pets.
Did you ever look into the cat eating incident, or do you take everything the American media says at face value?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNh9clZUU3Y
That is a black woman (not Haitian), in Canton Ohio, who is suffering a mental health episode.
Completely unrelated to Trump arguing Haitians in Springfield are eating people’s cats.
They eat dirt cakes and everything else that’s not nailed down. Imagine thinking Hatians eating people’s pets is far fetched.
>Imagine thinking Hatians eating people’s pets is far fetched.
It’s not far-fetched that you go out to steal women’s panties off the clothing lines either. Should I announce on TV that you are stealing women’s panties?
>>ethnic animosity
>Well, your president was on TV accusing Haitian immigrants of eating people’s pets.
I’m fairly sure (((Igor))) was referring to something else.