I have really seen too much dark stuff by now and I really want to put my mind off it. I started this blog long ago just to share my thoughts and then some things happened that required some explanation, but I want to put my mind off them for now. I wish I could just get the exact same enjoyment out of things I could get from them 10-20 years ago, but it’s hard. Nothing about adulthood really appeals to me.
I still try to do fun things though.
I went to a witch house party a few days ago, it was really cool. Here’s a video from the first edition:
More good stuff:
This comes from an album called “???????? ????”.
And this first song goes really hard too:
There’s also this recent Sematary video I really enjoyed:
I’m from the woods wherе the dirt still bleeds
Where thе power lines shorter than the trees
This is my anthem, I’d say.
But again, I’m far too old for all this stuff. But I don’t care, I’m going anyway in June, even if none of my friends want to join. Only autists listen to this so I won’t even stand out.
I also enjoy going to abandoned buildings, graveyards or ruins and checking them out, this is what I do when I go on vacation.
I try to vape more haze now, but when I vape some kush, this is really good to listen to in bed:
So much of modern culture is just meant for people who take drugs, I’m not sure what normies enjoy, but it feels like they just miss out on a whole universe of stuff. Here’s another example:
It’s a video done by “Spliff Radio”. This is all stuff meant for people who smoke or vape indicas. And there are just swathes of people who go their whole lives never doing that, so they never have the slightest clue how this could be enjoyable to listen to.
People will ask me “have you ever tried sobriety”. I have. When I’m sober for a few weeks, I get really miserable. I just have to encourage my neurons a bit in making connections with each other, it is as it is. But I did have more energy to do things, to be active instead of passive, I won’t deny that. That could be the kush, hence I now go for sativas.
Honestly, I’m really nostalgic for anything that reminds me of the 90’s. There’s a bunch of video games by Puppet Combo and others in this general theme on itch.io, but Analog Horror really appeals to me too. One of my favorite movies of last year was V/H/S/ 99, I could care for the 80’s sequel. But I even enjoy uplifting stuff from the 90’s, like:
I have this theory that the 90’s peaked in 97 for smart people and peaked in 99 for dumb people.
Anyway, I really try to reorient my mind to other things, I try to swim back towards the surface, but it’s hard. If anyone has advice, or knows something really fun, shoot in the comments.
Nice post, yes I know what you mean regarding the need to do more fun stuff to take your mind off things.
I noticed that your “Welcome Home” video was unfortunately removed from your YouTube channel, possible copyright claim/infringement? It’s a shame, it was a good video that I liked to watch from time to time. I really enjoyed the combination of the nature/wildlife footage and the Blvck Ceiling remix of Juice Newton. I found it strangely soothing/uplifting/inspiring.
yes, mid-/late-90s was the peak. that was the last time that i could believe the internet was a good idea. then, as cliche as it is, 9/11 made everything suck.
Your blog has introduced me to some good shit Radagast. I’ve really enjoyed Apoptygma Berzerkand Soma Sema — Artificial Heart, so when I’m in the mood, gonna check these songs out you’ve posted just now. Have you listened to Susumu Hirasawa’s music? You might like it.
https://youtu.be/fbBssooRD3c
https://youtu.be/ghSivyXhgvE
>But again, I’m far too old for all this stuff. But I don’t care, I’m going anyway in June, even if none of my friends want to join. Only autists listen to this so I won’t even stand out.
Yeah, you shouldn’t care. What normies say doesn’t matter.
>People will ask me “have you ever tried sobriety”. I have. When I’m sober for a few weeks, I get really miserable.
I’m actually the complete opposite lmao, I like the idea of drugs, but actually taking them is generally a miserable experience for me. I like the things I learn on them, not so much the feelings themselves. (Though sometimes they make me happy too.)
Oh God I forgot about Soma Sema, thanks.
NP bro, thanks for introducing me to them. Hey, if you ever check out Susumu Hirasawa, could you tell me what you think of him? Maybe in General Discussion?
Yes, I mean it can’t be healthy to hammer the same topics over and over again. I remember when I first started to read this blog there was a greater variety. I’m not saying this to hate on you, I enjoy reading here anyways.
There’s a 90s / Y2K revival going on right now. I watched (I know) Gossip Girl. Honestly genuinely totally didn’t mind it. Music and fashion and just everything in general felt like a breath of fresh air, a totally different society compared to what we’re going through now. You might enjoy it.
I also enjoy looking at vids of pre-2008 (or whenever things really started to hit the fan) America. One of my pastimes is watching footage of retail from previous eras. It feels like a different country, people are more laid-back & everything is nicer.
The world ended on 9/11. No joke.
In The Matrix, the robots choose the 90s as the peak of human civilisation.
Turns out, they weren’t wrong.
A postmodern folk remedy for the blues, specifically for relief of symptoms related to morbid nostalgia;
Take one Sturgill Simpson’s ‘Metamodern Sounds in Country Music’ mix with a potent Indica strain of MJ and a cup of Earl Grey tea. Then find a comfortable chair or bed in a room with a southward facing window during the day light hours and layback and loose yourself in the sound.
I am going to suggest something. Stop staying home and listen/watch stuff and join a boxing/kickboxing/mma gym. Would help with the enjoyment of life.
Go out and look for that goth girl to have kids with and stop taking fun stuff together.
I’d be interested in hearing about your thoughts on why ’97.
I’ve long had a gut feeling the world in some way ended in ’97 and I keep finding other autists making reference to ’97 as an end, a high water mark or similar. What was it about that year?
1998 is weirdly irrelevant and 1999 was just defying credibility in a lot of ways, the problems were becoming visible to people who pay attention.
I have been reading your blog for quite some time now as a bystander, but I have to break the silence as I find the Sematary thing to be ridiculously funny. It just seems so out of character somehow.
I will (involuntarily) be attending the concert with my friend who also happens to be on the spectrum. Your optimism suprises me. Don’t expect the niche low status male autist as it won’t take you long to realise that you’ll only be surrounded by some kind of insufferable sub species of them. Take it from me
Yeah it’s going to be autists like me on the one hand, a couple of quirky hipster chicks and then mostly people who would have listened to the insane clown posse 20 years ago
I think it’s very cool there is a channel devoted to Indica smokers, with chill music and old VHS videos.
After decades of fancying myself a tough-minded Nietzschian who was known to tell people “nostalgia is just a subtle resentment of the present”, I now find myself wanting nothing more than to revisit the feelings of my childhood, like an old man stepping into a warm bath. The present sucks so much these days.
> I have this theory that the 90’s peaked in 97 for smart people and peaked in 99 for dumb people.
I was going to ask you about this, and I see you replied to another commenter. Might be a topic worthy of its own blog post.
> If anyone has advice, or knows something really fun, shoot in the comments.
I wish I could help you there. If I was just a little bit younger (and more oblivious to the dangers) I would totally be into Urban Exploration. I think you’ve posted on UE before. That’s really my kind of thing, were I a younger man. If I was much younger than that I would be totally into Parkour — like many boys my age at the time, I wanted to be a ninja/gymkata.
Alas, I am now at the age where Kareninca’s girlfriends are scheming amongst themselves regarding the best way to get their hooks into this poor old sod. I see them in my peripheral vision on the few occasions I visit the local watering hole. I pretend not to see them.
https://youtu.be/TKUFpmIXZm8?si=fgR0jESHWZx5lPQx
In any case, I appreciate these posts of yours, excavating little known pockets of culture that I would otherwise be unaware of due to my apathy.
Quote: “Anyway, I really try to reorient my mind to other things, I try to swim back towards the surface, but it’s hard. If anyone has advice, or knows something really fun, shoot in the comments.”
Hi, my friend. I had to find my way back to the surface too. I drank everyday a bottle vodka in the last months, until I got a physical addiction. It’s really a bad trap you can’t escape. Two days ago I went into the hospital for a drug withdrawal.
It was easier than I thought. They just gave me every two hours 5 mg Valium (Diazepan), and after 24 hours the physical addiction was gone. But then came the pain from the cannabis withdrawel, because they wanted that too from me. Im then left this shithouse and feel me now way better.
But I also got noticed that I have a untreadable illnes, COPD, which will reduce my life expectancy about 10 years. Statistically I will die 2038 by an heart attack. Sounds bad but for me it’s great. I don’t have to deal with the last 10 years full of pain and senile decay. If the diagnose will be confirmed I will be disabled and don’t have to work again. I will get also 600 extra bucks as COPD victim.
I really like it to know when my durability date will end.
Please don’t go back to drinking vodka; that is terrible.
Here is unsolicited advice from a middle aged lady. Yes, take the disability payment if you want it and can get it. But don’t assume, and don’t act, as if you will die early due to the COPD. Over the decades I have seen a lot of illnesses go from untreatable to treatable, and sometimes even with treatments that aren’t from the medical industry. I was convinced that my cardiac calcification was absolutely untreatable (I found out about it due to a scan since I wanted to donate part of my liver). All of the online articles and studies said that it was never to be gotten rid of. But now there are both medical treatments that will soon be available for it, and also OTC helps (serrapeptase and K2 and magnesium and a few other things). I’m not saying you will live forever or there won’t be some other problem, but it is not rational to focus on a particular ailment, especially if it is not bothering you presently; you might be able to just get rid of it soon enough.
Diogenes, I’m so glad to see your return.
I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. I too have been gulping the vodka in ungodly amounts these past few months. I’m glad to hear your “addiction” has been “solved” by the administration of a pharmaceutical. If you have concerns about your liver health, I have a list of things you can do to remedy that. The liver is capable of regeneration.
The same can’t be said for your lungs/COPD. It just so happens that I share your malady as well. I’m probably a bit younger than yourself, but I’m a lifelong smoker and was recently told by my physician that I show the early stages of COPD.
“COPD” is a general term for some combination of bronchitis and/or emphysema. I never in all my years had a “smokers cough” or phlegm. I thought I was being safe by smoking ultra low tar/nicotine cigarettes all my life, so I had no obvious symptoms. Unfortunately, all cigarettes contain carbon monoxide which is the casual factor causing the alveoli to lose their elasticity and ability to rebound into a relaxed state.
You wouldn’t know it if you saw me — I am very physically active and work out and jog regularly (because I am vain, not because I am health-conscious) and I believe my metabolic health is currently compensating for my poor oxygen transfer capabilities. I recently had a spirometry test at the doctor’s office and was told my lung function was equivalent to a 70 year old’s..,
Here are some things for you to try. Some of you might know the mad scientist Dimitry Katz who came to fame pushing Niacin during the pandemic. He likes to smoke like me and we had a discussion where he dropped some science on me about flush niacin (B3) and Alpha Lipoic Acid being protective of the lungs.
I’m sure you have also heard about N-acetyl-Cysteine (NAC) being helpful in this regard.
Another treatment for COPD is nebulized glutathione, which should be easily ordered online.
Lastly, I recently had a brief conversation with Moriarty at the Hidden Complexity blog where he mentioned Serrapeptase and Nattokinase as treatments for emphysema due to their ability to dissolve old fibrotic tissue in the lungs, thereby clearing space.
He also mentioned the peptide GHK-Cu which supposedly shows promise in treating COPD, but that sounds pretty cutting edge to me. I would try everything else I mentioned first.
If our host Radagast could apply his big brain to the problem of restoring function to fibrotic tissue I would be forever grateful and will never make an anti-Semitic comment on his blog again. But my LIQLSWM brain tells me fibrotic tissue is a lost cause for all sorts of biochemical reasons…
When our last dog was four years old we had her scoped since she clearly had IBD (the barfing variety, not the diarrhea variety). We were told that if the ten biopsy samples that they had taken of her colon were representative in their fibrotic nature, it could not be expected that she had very much colon function at all, and that we could expect her to lose the ability to process food in her colon and she would get constant unrelenting diarrhea. This was at the highest ranked vet hospital in the world. We obsessed for years and years about her colon and its fibrotic nature. It never ended up being a problem as such and she didn’t end up with diarrhea. She lived to be nearly 14 (okay for her mix), and died of liver cancer which I think may have been made more aggressive by covid, but I can’t prove that. You can have a lot of fibrotic tissue and the body may just work around it. Or not. I certainly know people who have died of cirrhosis. But these things aren’t as straightforward as you’d expect.
Welcome back Diogenes, we missed you. Sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis and alcohol addiction. Sending you the best wishes going forward.
Thanks. But my alcohol addiction is now over. It was a healing schock. For weeks I tried to do anything with no success and was really desperated. I stay now with joints only, allthough that’s really bad when having COPD.
And in case I get a physical alcohol addiction again I know now how to deal with it alone. I just need a box of valium to cure myself. They showed me how to do it.
Cheer up to some theme music.
https://youtu.be/YkG7P8i64x8?si=3pQO350yhdtmMv9a
Hold yo hands up high
https://youtu.be/LLMLOKV8334?si=y2_hcC4rgNm26BMI
I know this is pretty mainstream, but it’s a guilty pleasure of mine, and pretty fun 🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWb5Qc-fBvk
Best part is from 4:20 to 5:20.
They don’t make EDM music like this anymore.
That’s horrible. WTF?
Now I’m traumatized by your taste in music.
lol, as I said, “guilty pleasure” 😉 plus I was only 17 when that came out. Not gonna lie, I also have a soft spot for some Coldplay, Taylor Swift and Abba :L
As for my more “mature tastes”, some lesser known Floyd songs that may interest you:
Marooned
Fearless
Stay
Green Is The Colour
Cymbaline
Fat Old Sun
Grantchester Meadows
On The Turning Away
And a few more from random artists that just popped into my head:
Martha – Tom Waits
Drive – The Cars
He Moved Through The Fair – Sinead O’Connor
Coming Up – Paul McCartney
Tell Me Why – Neil Young
I Miss You & Adam’s Song – Blink 182
High Hopes – Kodaline
And I’ll leave you with one of my all time favourites:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a502RejLz8s
Last comment, I swear:
Tumbling Dice – The Rolling Stones
Out of Time (Strings Version) – The Rolling Stones
When The Levee Breaks – Led Zeppelin
5:15 – The Who
Sound and Vision – David Bowie
Young Americans – David Bowie
Landslide – Fleetwood Mac
Embryonic Journey – Jefferson Airplane
Turn! Turn! Turn! – The Byrds
The Air That I Breathe – The Hollies
Soundtracks from Pulp Fiction, Inglorious Basterds and Once Upon A Time In Hollywood
And I’ll finish with some Classical compositions:
English Suite No. 2 in A Minor – Bach (Search for the Martha Argerich 1969 version on YouTube)
Finally, some epic Wagner accompanying a steam locomotive thundering through the British countryside on a Summer’s day:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYFKXqVFPYo
nothing beats paganini #1 3rd movement. change my mind.
Here something good Антоха МС – Soul Dance (Сладкий Чай). Watch it a couple times in a row it really fucks with your head. It in russian but doesn’t really mater.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCE5-8V_iMY
I should post all the industrial animal slaughter and suffering here. You fucking think you are Greta Thunberg. You cannot escape the reality of modernity. Being an autist only means you feel it less, bro. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW MY PAIN.
Well, I won’t spoil the mood, so let’s get straight to some uplifting tracks:
Slade – Cum on feel the Noiz
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78ezU7x3jfE
AC/DC – Can I Sit Next to You Girl
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FJLGGVevAw
Motorhead – Killed by Death
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZ5fIKmn1ok
Black Flag – Slip It In
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6f-4uYm9-uw
Misfits – Last Caress
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F39UP1mjAnc
Dead Kennedy’s – Take this Job and Shove it!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tN9CyBQbiLI
Viagra Boys – Slow Learner
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQUmeJspwuc
Alex Cameron – Divorce
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyoaidmynOk
Judas Priest – Diamonds and Rust
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOAHpLBNiUw
And because it’s a great track, let’s hear the original, by the stunningly talented Joan Baez: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrVD0bP_ybg
Which you just know has to lead into some kind of Dylan Track. . . Hmmm, too hard to pick just one, so I’ll drop my favourite Dylan album – the whole thing is worth playing, while weeping nostalgically:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDJhPGoYL4k&list=PLiN-7mukU_RFRlyPb7iOfOVSg10Hyv3qX
Well, I tried to keep it light 🙂
One from the 90’s – Mark of Cain, Degenerate Boy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAc6E6dFfzM
“I’ve had a longer piss than that”
Chuckle
An anthem for young, wasted, suburban Aussie punks. . .
The original from a decade or so before is, of course, awesome:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lN0OIiS6EH8
The more things change. . .
Me, I’m just waiting so patiently with all these other outcast LSWMs.
https://youtu.be/E8cJ1Wa6U3o?si=ffpqxfAqjPu4LYUX
Metal fans, rejoice! I present to you the Elf Lord of Metal, the late, great, Ronny James Dio, singing one of his most amazing tracks*, THE GATES OF BABYLON! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z03ZRYh4GKY
Have you ever passed through the ‘Black Gates of Babylon’? If yes, can you leave? If yes, tell me how 😛
But going way back in time to my introduction to metal, a classic track which used to play as filler on one of the two TV stations for kids here in remote Australia at the time. . . And guess what? it’s the amazing Ronny James, again! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0K2-3-hZOf8
* Yes, I am aware of the debates 🙂
@kareninca @Mehen
Thanks for your condolence, that helps me. The first thing I did when I came home was to empty all alcohol bottles into the toilet. The doctor said my liver values are raised but not critical. Alcohol was never my drug because I can’t read complex texts or play ambitious games while drunk. I started it only because I had unsolvable social problems, but they are gone now.
I really would like to take substances which could help me, but the FLCC, Walter Chesnut, Grouf, Rintrah and many others recommending hundreds of substances which could help, but if I would try out all of them I have to eat a pot full of stuff every day.
I don’t know if this is the right way because it’s the way of the random world, where no gods are. But there is also the destination world where everything what happens have a purpose, so I just let it happen in the hope the gods do the right things for me.
The liver is pretty resilient*, it regenerates, but the lungs are another story.
It’s not my place to preach – you will know the obvious things to stop. Other than that, all I’ll say is:
– You are not a statistic. Statistics only apply to populations, not to individuals.
– Just about all smokers who have smoked from a young age are going to show damage by around middle age, if not younger. Plenty of them live into old age.
– WE ARE ALL DYING! You have been diagnosed with a disease (if you believe it) which can take forever to knock people off. You might very well die of something else.
– There is only NOW. There is no future and there is no past. Live in the present, for as long as you WANT to – they can generally keep you alive for that long, if you are keen.
Those are my initial thoughts anyway.
*Drinking and smoking are, obviously, killers – especially over the long term. Consider taking some shrooms instead.
As a long-term drinker and smoker, my own health is basically fubar as well, but when you reach the end of that road, what’s to lose? Might even experience something interesting. There might be something there. . . Beckoning. . .
Quote “Drinking and smoking are, obviously, killers – especially over the long term. Consider taking some shrooms instead.”
Everything has a good side and a bad side. There is nothing in the world which is pure good or pure bad. I tried LSD and shrooms in my youth. I had mostly really bad horror trips, only some few goods. I was near madness. That stuff is not for everyone. It’s irresponsibly to recommend it for all.
Fair enough – don’t go near those things then.
I’m not preaching for them either and I admit that all of the psychedelics I’ve taken have been awful. I once had six months of panic attacks after just smoking grass! All other things have been similarly unpleasant.
My own strategy is basically abstinence from smoking tobacco, in as much as I am able, and to try to keep the drinking down to a dull roar.
In any event, by the sounds of things, both you and me will probably be dead before we see the full-blown horror show, so that’s a bonus.
And do as you think best by all means – if I had a better idea, I’d let you know.
And in that respect, my biggest mistake was having children.
Stupid of me really.
If there’s only one bit of advice that I would offer anyone, it’s not to inflict this horror on another person.
Terrible.
From Ronny James, via the Black Sabbath connection, here’s an uplifting track from Zakk Wylde, that is most befitting these times:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8KIdzgV83Y&list=RDg8KIdzgV83Y&start_radio=1
Doomsday Jesus!
C’mon, you have one job man! 😛
Tick tock.
Recently I saw a graphic (at Ethical Skeptic) which showed that the first covid wave went around the world in 2007. Up from 2012 then every year, hidden under the influenza waves. It’s worse than I thought, because I thought that the first signs appeared around 2011. This means the hidden worldwide biowar between China and USA started still earlier, maybe around 2005.
I guess it was 9/11 which triggered their decision that they now can do what they want, even use bioweapons. 9/11 opened pandora’s box and a few years later a hidden worldwide biowar came out.
Since 20 years We are in WWIII, which is not open and nuclear, but hidden and biological.
Call me a crazy tinfoil hat, but this is it what I believe now.
Things have been scary my whole life.
First, there was the cold war. Everyone terrified of nuclear war.
Then, there was AIDs
Then, there was the twin towers. . .
I got my first white collar job in a mailroom after 911.
Everyone was paranoid, so they wanted me to open the mail for senior executives. The reasoning being that it was better for me to die than an executive.
In the event that I opened something suspect, I was supposed to call some muppet somewhere, who wouldn’t have had a clue what to do, then lock the place up and wait to die.
Yes, that was the sum of the plan.
Now there is this virus and the “vaccines” for same, and the ‘Polycrisis’ etc.
A second bit of advice, to follow having no children, don’t learn about nuffin’.
Switch everything off and just get on with whatever life you have.
Live direct.