Sorry, your radiology appointment was canceled, because your doctor felt like voicing his opinion on the Internet. Turns out he’s a genocidal zionist who wants to bomb Gaza into oblivion!
And in case you wanted to have your leukemia treated, that’s not going to happen either. Because the woman who treats your leukemia, endorses the massacre by Hamas!
And if I were you, I would make sure you brush your teeth really thoroughly tonight, because I just found out on Instagram that your Turkish dentist thinks the Armenians totally had it coming.
And I hate to say this, but you shouldn’t expect to get your medicine at your local pharmacist either, because I found out that he wants to legalize necrophilia, as I caught him liking a tweet by an autistic libertarian.
And if your teenage daughter is off to the mental ward again, I’m sorry about the shortage of staff. But it turns out the nurse we hired just doesn’t respect people’s gender self-identification, so we had to revoke her license. Look, I’m really sorry it took ten minutes before someone found your daughter after she was eating broken glass again, but we can’t have transphobia in the mental ward! Do you want teenagers who are already mentally vulnerable to suffer the pain of being misgendered by a TERF?
And I have to mention that I caught your local plumber on tape, yelling the N-word at an African American gentleman who cut him off in traffic. And that’s just really uncalled for, so if you need to make a big dump, I would recommend you to just take a shit in your garden and not risk your toilet getting clogged again. Just giving you a head’s up, that’s all.
Your local police officer was caught making a racist joke in a group chat, so considering black people are disproportionately targeted by police violence, he’s now on the dole. I would recommend you to have some patience, next time you call 9/11 because there’s a guy trying to climb into your house.
And I’m trying really hard right now, to find someone who will show up to wipe your grandma’s bottom in the nursing home, but I googled the only applicant I got and it turns out she was caught on tape five years ago telling a black man in central park she would call the police on him. Calling the police on a black man, is basically attempted murder!
And you’ll have to find a tutor to help your daughter prepare for her math exams, because we caught her high school math teacher engaged in statutory rape against a seventeen year old student of hers. And now there’s a long list of seventeen year old boys standing in line in front of her home, looking to be statutory raped by her too!
And we had to drop the CEO of our company, because we found out he donated to a campaign against gay marriage a few years ago!
What? You want us to drop our standards?
Now look, child labor is abuse, so we have to send kids to school instead, where they learn important things.
And the elderly should be free to stop working, they earned their retirement.
And people who are disabled can’t be expected to work.
That leaves us with a minority of the population.
But we’re going to have to look within that minority of people, to find the ones who are not racist anti-semitic transphobic homophobic genocide-denying or genocide-endorsing nutcases and who don’t suck off their 17 year old students and don’t call the cops on black men in central park.
And then we’re going to have to hope they will say “yes” and won’t think they’re better off setting up a patreon or a substack or an OnlyFans or a crypto ponzi scheme.
And of course there’d better be no THC showing up in their urine!
And no, record labor shortages won’t change any of that.
And If I were you, I would now light a candle and print out this deeply insightful article I just wrote. Because I just checked, it turns out your local power plant is operated by a bunch of QAnon Sandy Hook truthers and I’m mailing the power company’s HR department as we speak.
So, when your candle runs out and you’re left sitting in the dark, I hope you can find comfort in this simple fact:
You did not suffer the indignity of being serviced by someone whose publicly stated views, sexual behavior, or other lifestyle choices fall outside the Overton window.