Take the Helga pill


Most guys in the modern world are born with a congenital lack of ego. It shows in the kind of women they end up with. The woman gets to treat herself as a special price and you’re supposed to be flattered that you get the privilege of sleeping with her after jumping through all her hoops. I don’t understand: How do you not consider this humiliating?

Look for a woman like Helga G. Pataki, a true woman of virtue in the classical sense of the word. Never settle for any less. Helga, perhaps due to her terrible childhood, is mature for her age. She is already capable of something most modern women aren’t really capable of: Genuinely loving one man. This poor kid Arnold is spoiled and doesn’t even realize it, he wouldn’t know a good thing if it hit him in the face.

He’s at that golden age, the sweet spot when all the girls in class are bigger and stronger than you. And this cruel woman named Helga has no mercy for him. She constantly bullies him and shatters his ego to pieces like an overdose of mushrooms, only to put them back together again as she reveals herself to crave his affection. A woman like that triggers a rollercoaster of emotions. I knew a girl like this once, she constantly bullied me, telling me I would grow up to be a serial killer. She was a blonde however, so it wasn’t meant to be.

A woman’s ability to love is easily exhausted. Too many heartbreaks and it’s over. She becomes cynical and indifferent towards men. She checks herself in the mirror, takes a look at your balding head and thinks to herself “I guess this will do”. Then eventually she will think “it’s time for children” and the two of you will create a sufficiently big barrier to divorce to stay together for the rest of your lives.

Again, we return to Helga Pataki. She lacks every quality modern men tend to seek in women. She wears the same unfashionable clothing every day, she has a unibrow, she’s mean and nobody likes her. And yet, she carries the rarest and most important of virtues, the one most sorely lacking in today’s society: The ability to love.

This boomer guy Craig Bartlett is a genius. You think I’m being ironic here or whatever, but I’m being as sincere as I can be. When everything has gone to shit, there are just a few thousand people left alive, dwelling in the radioactive smoking piles of waste, they will be retelling this tale, because it’s just really that good.

Some people seem to think that we “create” stories like this. The reality is however just that these stories are not created, they are pre-existent forms of truth. Some people have the gift of prophecy, they can reveal something from the world of the Forms. In the world of Forms, all emotions are pure and life is a condensed expression of true meaning.

“Oh come on it’s a cartoon for ten year old girls.” Nah you’re wrong. This guy Craig Bartlett knows stuff. Case in point: Here you can see two of the first Arnold sketches:

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Do you see how over the top psychedelic this stuff is? I don’t know what Craig has under his belt, but I’m guessing at least LSD and cannabis.

Exhibit C:

Season 5, episode 9, Summer Love. I’m not kidding, I checked it myself, it’s real.

It’s practically impossible to make a good cartoon series if you don’t smoke cannabis.

If you don’t take cannabis and psychedelics, as a heterosexual white male you’ll statistically speaking just end up as an object oriented PHP programmer or an office clerk at an insurance company somewhere.

Don’t make that mistake.


  1. I’d put HA above Doug, Rugrats and quite a few of the other heavy hitter Nick/Disney cartoons that I used to rinse my childhood brain with. The Helga-Arnold episode that sticks in my mind the most after all these years is when they’re trapped overnight in a greenhouse, tasked to take care of some plant for a homework assignment or something. Honestly, this show continues to occupy space in my brain: PS 118 flooding, “you keep the money”, Gerald learning to ride a bike in secrecy until Harold blows up his spot, Gerald losing his tonsils before singing solo in the school play, Gerald moving into the boarding house because he can’t stand his family, “Gerald Field”, wow. Right around 2000, being the same age as the characters and watching reruns of the early seasons, that was lush. Bring me back!

    • Also can’t neglect to mention the story arc of Sid pretending to live at his rich friend’s house (replete with impressive model trains) to impress Arnold, until eventually the weight of the charade crushes him and he’s forced to reveal the truth. There was real pathos there! Yes, shout out to Craig Bartlett.

    • Dude/dudette you need to rewatch the episodes that focus on Helga. They’re amazing. She’s the most fleshed out character and you can’t really properly see it when you’re a kid. Arnold’s valentine is incredibly cute, but “Helga on the couch” is amazing. There’s also the school play from season three.

      It’s unbelievably good.

      Edit: I forgot, the Christmas episode is good too because it fleshes out Helga more.

  2. His head is literally a football with a tiny baseball cap that separates a sidewards mohawk. That wasn’t your clue for psychedelics? You’re getting old.

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The patients in the mental ward have had their daily dose of xanax and calmed down it seems, so most of your comments should be automatically posted again. Try not to annoy me with your low IQ low status white male theories about the Nazi gas chambers being fake or CO2 being harmless plant food and we can all get along. Have fun!

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