I told myself I wasn’t going to make a negative post, which is getting harder and harder to do.
I watched The Father, it’s a really good movie, but in a sense it’s more disturbing than any of the horror movies I watch.
I have all these thoughts, that are just best kept to myself. But I wish I could relive my teenage years, they were basically stolen from me.
I don’t really have answers anymore either, you can all see the problems around you as well as I can. It seems the general consensus is just that it’s impolite to mention the problems.
I mean, even just watching this movie, The Father, I’m immediately confronted with the fact that this is basically the best case scenario you can face when you develop Alzheimer’s: A rich man with a daughter who tries to take care of him and a nurse living in home. And it’s still a nightmare to watch.
And that’s just a pretty casual problem we all know is coming. There are all these other problems too and I’m dealing with this black void of trauma where happy memories should be that’s just not going away, that I carry with me like a ball and chain, slowing me down for the rest of my life until I’m exhausted.
That’s the thing, it just never goes away, there is no magical solution, your brain just wires around it, but every once in a while it tries to form a full picture of itself and then it’s back.
It essentially just means that I became this strange person, who has no real goals or desires left except to watch it all collapse. That’s something I’m never going to get out of my system either.
> …slowing me down for the rest of my life until I’m exhausted.
Seems to be a November depression. Just come to South America and take some sun…
> …I became this strange person, who has no real goals or desires left except to watch it all collapse.
Well, watching the collapse (from some distance) and living it, is not the same.
Please, don’t think the “First World” is all of the world. The global South will survive. Why not with you?
If you would like to write something more positive, how about writing about cannabis.
What are your favorite strains? What percentages of THC do you usually consume? What’s your experience with CBD? How often do you smoke/vape? Do you grow your own cannabis? Would you like to? What are your thoughts about growing cannabis as a source of income? If you do, any tips? What vaporizer do you use/recommend? How old were you when you first tried cannabis? How often do you use it, and how much do you consume in an average day?
More posts about psychoactive drugs would be great. Not just cannabis, but everything. What drugs have you tried and what was your experience? What are your favorites?
Maybe it’s a normie topic, but I’m sure plenty of the people reading your blog would benefit from your expertise on the subject. It’s also probably a topic you won’t get much hate mail on. It’s a topic that unifies people of all ages and genders.
>More posts about psychoactive drugs would be great. Not just cannabis, but everything. What drugs have you tried and what was your experience? What are your favorites?
Yeah that’s a fair topic. I’ve mostly covered it already though.
And favorite is kind of hard to argue, whatever you haven’t had in a long time is generally going to feel best.
What happened during your teenage years?
I might watch the film. We just had to put my mum in a nursing home, because she was living with us with early onset dementia and just started getting too violent with our kids around
People may laugh at my comment… but here it goes.
I have a feeling that you would be a good father. Because you care about the world.
You just have to take a step back, by admitting that it’s not in your hands to make a definite change towards a perfect resolution.
We do what we can, including prayers, but the perfect resolution of all the problems will be given by the One.
Find a girl who is not neurotic (it will be hard).
Your best bet (if you ask me) is a wife from a continuity of the original Church (aka an ancient version of Christianity), coming from a society (or local community) that isn’t too spoiled.
Don’t go for perfection. Going for perfection may drive you crazy (or drive her crazy).
>but the perfect resolution of all the problems will be given by the One.
I think you can only make progress towards any kind of solution to all of this when you start treating it like material reality is an eldritch dungeon you need to escape, and you place your faith in yourself to find the way out. I keep trying to impart to people, that looking outside of yourself for a saviour will get you nowhere. I already learned this the hard way, quit definitively in a supernatural way, and even if I have trouble imparting the nature of my experiences to others in writing I still think it’s important people understand that part of it.
I mean, there’s always the actions of other people, which you can’t control. You can (must) pray of course for them as well.
To avoid becoming neurotic, you may have to accept this, or something similar.
It would have been more accurate if I said that you have to create a relationship with our Lord, Jesus Christ.
But in the end, He will cover all of our shortcomings.
Speaking of inside/outside reminded me of the book “The Inner Kingdom” by Kallistos Ware; it might be a good read for you.
Rad, you don’t know dark. Dark is finally accepting that your parents had you sterilized around your 4th birthday in 1959. Dark is confronting an older brother with it and he doesn’t even let you finish talking, just babbles “I didn’t know, I wasn’t there!” And you realize he knew.
Dark is knowing that your father knew and didn’t give a damn.
Dark is talking to your oldest living brother about it shortly before he died and he admits that he was part of something evil.
Dad was born in 1918, mom in 1922. They were raised on eugenic propaganda. And when you and your younger brother are speech impaired, why, they know what has to be done.
And when you get to your 6th year and you can speak clearly, what do your parents do? Mom tries to smother you with a pillow. But an older brother walks into the bedroom and stops it.
There’s more. A lot more. And in order to function, you shove it into the back of your mind and live your life.
So I sit here in California watching my wife sink into dementia. Yes, I think I know dark.
I’m really sorry. Don’t know what else to say.
I decided to watch this movie btw, I liked it. It was pretty disturbing though. My grandma had Alzheimer’s’ disease too, I sometimes wonder what her experience was like. Maybe the closest I’ve been able to come to that is the times I’ve taken large doses of DPH back in college. I remember reading that Alzheimer’s patients have a decline in their acetylcholine levels, and that DPH is an acetylcholine receptor inhibitor, so maybe that’s why some of the effects of that drug feel a little reminiscent of that disease. Still, it really makes you question the nature of reality and our perceptions of it.
You taking large doses of DPH explains a lot honestly.
How was it?
I remember rather enjoying it. I liked salvia too though, maybe I’m strange. DPH felt like your body was very very heavy, to the point where you could barely move, but there was a rather pleasant body high associated with that too. And I remember there was this ominous sense of dread, but you were so detached from it that you did not really care. And I also remember forgetting how to write or to form coherent verbal statements; I would start talking to my friend, then suddenly forget how to talk, then forget what I was even talking about, then start laughing, then realize my friend was actually asleep in the other room the entire time. That was the other weird thing about it – you could have these vivid experiences of like, talking to someone who was standing in front of you, and then realize all of a sudden that they were never actually there. It was quite jarring. I never saw the spiders though. I was expecting to see spiders everywhere because so many people talked about that in their trip reports, but I never really encountered it for some reason. I remember one time in college I was over at my friend’s dorm and I had a physics exam the next day, and I decided to pull an all-nighter to study for it while also taking 700mg of DPH at the same time ”just to be funny”. My notes started out coherent and then just turned into absolute scribbles and I think I forgot what I was doing after a while. I’m pretty my exam went fine though. I have a lot of strange drug stories from college. I think my friends and I took drugs as though we kind of had a death wish. There was a year or two in there that resembled one of those movies like Trainspotting or Requiem for a Dream. My best friend from college is actually dead now, I found out he died this year when I searched his name online and an obituary came up.