The most important things to remember

October 17, 2024 Radagast Uncategorized 16

Think back to when you were around 9 or 10.

Who were your best friends?

Who were your teachers?

What were the houses of the other kids like?

What were their parents like?

What sort of pets did you have?

What sort of games did you play?

What sort of places did you visit?

What sort of shows did you watch?

What sort of things did you make?

What was the scariest movie you saw?

What sort of music did you listen to?

I don’t have to know.

I just want you to remember.

If you can remember how you viewed the world as a child, then that tells you all you need to know about the world you now live in.

This era we now live in doesn’t last very long, the world will be much more childish again in the future.

16 Comments

  1. >Think back to when you were around 9 or 10.

    Yeah this time was one of the worst times in my life. All youthful idealism had already given way to trauma-based escapism as my world seemed to fall apart. It’s about the time video games completely consumed my life. A little later I became obsessed with Fallout and modding it due to a lets player/comedian called Al Chestbreach. Something very funny about Al is that his persona is clearly inspired by Pee Wee Herman, who was a influence on my life earlier on as-well, though I wasn’t aware of this at the time.

    https://youtu.be/q_uMe24UMGI

    School was terrible, never stayed at one school long after kindergarten until fourth grade due to constantly moving. By fourth grade I had no friends, I had a disgusting nigger teacher who was obsessed with classical music for status reasons, she liked to pick on me for being autistic. Nigger teacher was also constantly sick and coughing everywhere, she was disgusting and I hated her. I hated all my obnoxious spic-nig-wigger classmates too, Queen Nigger encouraged then all to to bully me. It didn’t help that the only thing I could talk about is my autistic obsessions that no one else cared about or could relate to. I was basically a retarded alien surrounded by apes.

    I fantasized about taking a paintball gun, getting on-top of the school’s roof with it, and splattering my classmates with paint to “show that I could kill them but chose not to”. Yes I was a incel nazi school shooter chud by fourth grade. Not really consciously racist though, that happened when I was a teenager.

    Mother was bipolar and obsessed with keeping me frightful of the outside, I basically never went anywhere without adult supervision. Father went to prison around this time.

    What was good about this time? Well, there were some good movies and games and songs, I was obsessed with Thirty Seconds To Mars – This Is War. Everything else was hell.

    I prefer to reminisce about when I was around 4-6, when all it took to make me happy was going into my yard and observing all the beautiful insects. I’d take the bugs alive into my room in a little shoe box, then I’d let them out the next day. Loved dinosaur and nature documentaries and the Star Wars prequels. (Because they had cool bugs and dinosaurs.)

    Space documentaries terrified me, I suffered existential dread as a small child thinking about the Sun swallowing the Earth and thinking about everything beautiful on the Earth disappearing.

    There was a neighbor boy who lived across from my property and while I never was best friends with him; I did know him and go over to his place at one point. He had pet rats which I found strange (aren’t those pests?), and a collection of insects, mostly butterflies, that he had nailed to a book. I remember finding the fact that he killed the insects and collected their bodies very disturbing. My thought process being “why can’t you just enjoy them alive, outside?”

    Kindergarten was nice, I had plenty of friends there. One friend was a autistic tomboy who was just like me, I’d go on adventures with her, and we’d look for snake eggs. The other kids couldn’t handle our autism, but we didn’t care. I think she moved? Very sad.

    I was also friends with a white and a black boy, I liked both equally but they mutually despised each-other; the black boy got angry with me one day and forced me to choose him or my other friend, but I don’t remember how I handled that.

    I also remember a future Stacy manipulating me into picking a fight with a six grade girl who she said was picking on her, but remembering now how Stacy smugly smiled at me as she got me to be a white knight and pick a fight on her behalf makes me think now that she was simply causing drama for her own amusement. Anyway the six grade girl who towered over me pushed me down after I started yelling at her, I got hurt, and I got out of school for a bit lol.

    I had a speech impediment, and my tard teacher was a cute white vegan chick. I think I asked her if she wanted some of my sandwich, and that’s when she brought up being vegan, her saying that she didn’t eat meat because she “liked animals” I was very confused, it just didn’t click for me. Anyway, the tard room was blue with brightly colored balls and other toys, though I mostly played words games on a computer there to help with my grammar.

    Yeah it’s funny you post this because childhood memories have flooding back to me lately I’ve been been manifesting some of my earlier traits but I haven’t really changed. It’s quite obvious why I turned out the way I did though. On one hand I’m bitter that I was so clearly programmed by media, on the other, I wonder if the alternative (no escape from reality whatsoever) would have made me any better or happier (probably not).

    I for one wouldn’t mind adventuring with a autistic tomboy again, everything else would probably make that worth it, though as a adult mind you. I really don’t want to be a kid again, bloody nightmare. That’s life I suppose.

    I was under the impression you had a tortured childhood as-well Rintrah, is this more doom porn or did the trauma happen later for you?

    Reply

    • I saw the Pee Wee Herman show for the first time, which was also the last time, not long after it first aired because I was babysitting. I insisted that it be turned off since I thought it was sick and ugly. The kid I was babysitting loved it but I didn’t care; I figured he could be mentally damaged under his parents’ care, not under mine.

      Reply

    • SYM, the “nightmare” of your upper middle class life sounds like an adventurous dream to my stolidly middle class (or possibly lower) life.

      Just something to keep in mind.

      I’m tempted to share my similar experiences but it would just fall flat in relation to yours.

      Reply

      • >upper middle class life

        I was reminiscing to be honest, those were the best parts of my life. A nightmare sure but a good one. Sure I was tortured then, and still am today, but I shared the best parts of my life earlier, not the worst. There are different types of nightmares and the nightmare I shared were the types you remember fondly after they’re gone. It honestly makes me smile thinking about being an incel nazi school shooter when I was eleven. That’s epic and cool, most others can’t say that. I liked kindergarten too, obviously. I consider myself superior for being a boy that was horrified by existential things like the Sun swallowing the Earth. (Suffering doesn’t imply superiority but that’s a intellectual type of suffering which implies higher thought.)

        I’m classic white trash, not upper middle class. Father didn’t work, he preferred to get drunk every night, break things, scream, beat up his kids and my mom, and fuck anything that moved. My mother wiped the asses of dying old people and retards for barely above minimum wage with nigger and white trash tweaker coworkers who constantly stole from her. (Who needs wedding rings?). My favorite stories my mother told me about her work was when one fat nigress was so lazy she didn’t give one of the clients the meds they needed to survive, so he died. Or how another nigger stabbed my mom with an old needle. (Of-course she never mentioned race until I brought it up, and it was always a nigger.)

        Radagast is sympathetic to niggers but he’s Dutch and hasn’t been forced to live with them since childhood. They’re fine and beautiful in Africa in their classic tribes, and yes Martin Luther King and anti-slavery media and nigger music is a aesthetic, but I’d dare him to live the life of a autistic white boy with them. Normie white boys are able to become wiggers and assimilate well enough into nigger culture, but that’s hard when you’re autistic and more interested in computer games and power metal than learning how to assimilate with stupid loud violent retards.

        When I was eleven I lived in a place where drive by shootings were not unheard of. (Apparently one happened just up the street where I lived). When I was younger my father kept a rifle next to his bed in-case someone tried to break in. As a child we constantly moved and so most of the time we lived in the ghetto with shitskin scum or in the middle of nowhere surrounded by white trash. Though there were a few times I got to live in nice places with upper middle class whites when we got lucky with finding a cheap place to rent, those times were chill, relatively higher status white people are the best.

        Anyway, being tortured by niggers might have just been me paying off my ancestral karmic debts, since my father descended from Confederates who enslaved and brutalized Africans on tobacco plantations. Fair is fair I suppose.

        Honestly I’m mostly pissed I’ve wasted so much time on media. That’s the real tragedy, I wish less people cared about me, and I wished that I was braver and that I got to explore the beauty and the horror more. It was always waiting for me outside, yet I allowed it to crush me like an insect rather than embracing it, that’s what I’m most bitter about tbh. Life might be a nightmare but I enjoy nightmares when I face them.

        The Gnostics might be somewhat correct that this is a hell realm (whatever that means) and that immaterial entities are feeding off the qualia experiences/loosh of our lives. Except here’s the joke, what’s external is a illusion. (Not technically since there is nothing outside “illusions” but I’m not going to argue philosophical definitions and saying that helps to make my point.) Your subjective world is something generated by your brain, a human being can only perceive a tiny fraction of a percent of the full reality. The immaterial entities feeding off our suffering are ourselves, our consciousness, God yes, but we are all of God. We’re all of the “Demiurge”.

        Why do you need to constantly torture yourself to keep yourself alive? Exercise, brushing your teeth, eating healthy, life requires sacrifice, sacrificing yourself to yourself endlessly. For a man to be healthy, he must break himself over and over again. Mentally, at the gym, as he eats.

        There is no difference in space between Heaven and Hell, both exist right where we stand, it’s only a matter of embracing the world or rejecting it.

        I wouldn’t trade my life for another.

        Reply

          • Seriously though, Berserk is a masterful subversion of Norse Mythology, very perverted though as Japanese works tends to be. (They’re all so sexually repressed it has to come out somewhere.) Don’t click on this link if you’re a female btw, you wouldn’t be able to handle it.

            https://youtu.be/ChWz2Yl9zj4?t=1034

            Watch as Guts (Tyr) sacrifices his right arm against a demon in order to save his tomboy gf from being raped. Then, Guts loses his eye, as his mind is opened up to the world of demons and the rest of his life revolves around fighting them. The demons are the servants of the “Godhand” and manipulate causality to achieve their ends. Just like Tyr, Guts is a intuitive warrior of dualistic effeminate sensitivity and barbaric savagery. Yet it is only after his fate that he faces a demon (Fenrir) loses his arm, and is reborn that he loses one eye only to open another, and begins to struggle against his determined fate to be a sacrifice. It’s a very dark yet inspiring story, as Guts never gives up as a struggler against fate, kept together by both his love and his hatred.

            “In this world…. Is the destiny of mankind controlled by some transcendental entity, or law? Is it like the hand of God hovering above? At least it is true; that man has no control. even over his own will.”

  2. The good things at that age were that I could wander the meadows and woods all day, and read books until two in the morning, and my father and brother and grandparents were still alive, so I could go to my grandparents’ for Christmas. The minus was that I was unimaginably depressed and lonely due to social phobia, which did finally go away years later, but the memory of it is terrible. Music was uninteresting and TV and movies revolted me. Since a new and simple time wouldn’t bring back my dead relatives, I really hope those days don’t come back.

    Reply

  3. I was transplanted into a bad situation at that age, and then it got worse, and then it got much worse.
    It took a long time but finally I lost all trust.
    But it’s alright now, in fact it’s a gas.

    Reply

  4. Age 9 and 10 was a pretty good time. I’ve always been outdoorsy and athletic and a reader. I remember weekly trips to the bookmobile with my mother, where I mostly checked out mysteries and fantasy novels and choose your own adventures. Back then for me would be the 80s, it was an idyllic time. At an early age I cultivated the love of riding a bicycle and going on long bike rides with my friends. Riding at night was the best. I also was studying martial arts, twice a week, and was the only girl in the class. Had my first boyfriend too, and my first kiss. Went on all kinds of fun adventures.

    Age 9 and 10 was a good period in my life, lived in a nice, safe, mostly white neighborhood, had fun and intelligent friends. My worst years were 12 to 15. I was never suicidal though, and never wanted to kill anyone, even though I was bullied by boys for being a Tomboy, even though I wasn’t gay, and was good looking. School shootings were completely unheard of back then, as were transgender people and autists. It was a completely different world.

    Reply

  6. OT, but I have something of a treat for you, Radagast.

    I recently heard this “New Thinking Allowed” video and I was impressed.

    https://youtu.be/91UO6tV6Gag?si=L3YZWMsx13h_Uoq9

    I had never heard of this individual before, but his thoughts dovetail with my own in certain respects.

    I know you recently said you would be applying your mind to psychology, the occult, philosophy, etc, and this guy covers it all.

    He has apparently adduced his own philosophy called “PLATONIC SURREALISM”

    What I like about him is that he has seemingly absorbed the best thinkers that I like (Bernardo Kastrup, Donald Hoffman, etc)

    He acknowledges the mind/body dichotomy, the debate between materialism and Idealism, but says it’s all bullshit.

    The best part, however, is that his theory ties in the suffering and pain of this realm. You see, he was horribly abused as a child.

    His metaphysical theories spring directly from the pain of his abuse from his parents.

    His conception of reality resembles something that has been percolating in the back of my mind (when I’m not thinking of the Demiurge)

    Sam Vaknin (the foremost authority on narcissism and an atheist) once said that God is cracked and psychotic, and that we, as fragments of God, heal God when we heal ourselves.

    (I realize this idea is disturbing to Tryptie)

    Anywhoo, this guy is one of your brothers.

    An autistic nerd with a 160 IQ. He says he endured his trauma and pain for decades, silently, before he began to speak aloud, and learned from his trauma to understand how God Himself is fucked up, and how God Himself is in a tortuous predicament and we are all his instruments of solution to his Pain.

    (Sorry Tryptie)

    He also managed to summon a UFO

    (Don’t laugh)

    He spent time with Jacques Vallee and understands that the UFO phenomenon has something to do with Consciousness

    That, during a “sighting”, some people see a UFO, others see a tractor, and others see nothing at all. M

    Reality is Dada, in other words.

    I know you will appreciate this, Rad.

    (Fuckin autists)

    Reply

    • Why have you summoned me? I’d be the first one to tell you that the god of this realm is psychopathic, and that material reality is an ontological prison defined by a cosmic tragedy. That being said, I have my own perspective on things and people usually seem to understand it poorly for some reason.

      Reply

      • >Why have you summoned me? I’d be the first one to tell you that the god of this realm is psychopathic, and that material reality is an ontological prison defined by a cosmic tragedy.

        Your Gnostic beliefs are vulnerable to the criticism that any purported “higher God” outside of our realm is no real God if it allowed the psychopath ruling this realm to torture untold trillions of souls for millennia.

        I’m afraid the blackpill truth is: all we have is all we ever get.

        Reply

    • Watched this and checked out Kevin’s website.

      https://platonicsurrealism.com/kevin/

      Very interesting, his conception of the Monads reminds me of the Xeelee Sequence.

      “There was no place. There was no time. A human observer would have recognized nothing here: no mass, energy, or force. There was only a rolling, random froth whose fragmented geometry constantly changed. Even causality was a foolish dream. The orderly spacetime with which humans were familiar was suffused with vacuum energy, out of which virtual particles, electrons and quarks, would fizz into existence, and then scatter or annihilate, their brief walks upon the stage governed by quantum uncertainty. In this extraordinary place whole universes bubbled out of the froth, to expand and dissipate, or to collapse in a despairing flare. This chaotic cavalcade of possibilities, this place of non-being where whole universes clustered in reefs of foamy spindrift, was suffused by a light beyond light. But even in this cauldron of strangeness there was life. Even here there was mind. Call them monads.”

      I liked Kevin’s article where he talks about his belief in a Fungal Hive-Mind alien intelligence that lives over 37 billion light years away that talks to the Fungi living here, stirs the imagination.

      https://platonicsurrealism.com/cosmic-fungal-disclosure/

      Reply

      • Thanks SYM.

        I’m only able to listen to YouTube videos and audiobooks in my daily life.

        Thank you for diving deeper.

        I read both of your links.

        I agree. An interesting guy more people should be aware of.

        Reply

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