The year is 2034. The Aztec feathered serpent deity Quetzalcoatl has returned back from the East to Mexico city, now known again as Tenochtitlan. He has taken his throne once more, to warn the people of the approaching end of the world, if they do not change their ways immediately.
Quetzalcoatl explained that generations of human sacrifice by the Aztecs served to keep Mesoamerica covered in dense forests and population density low, all in an effort to sequester as much carbon as possible. This was necessary in anticipation of the Beast to the East, that would seek to destroy the world once and for all, replacing free humans and animals with slaves to a demiurg known to them as Artificial Intelligence. The humans would be simulated on sillicon chips from now on, utterly at the mercy of a system that imprisons them.
Quetzalcoatl warned his people that this must be prevented. All attempts at developing AI have to be destroyed and to enable the Earth to sequester all the carbon dioxide released by the Beast to the East, the whole human race must transition to veganism.
But then, an angry voice from the back of the crowd dared to interrupt the Aztec God-Emperor:
“Veganism? Then how do we get our protein?”
The feathered serpent was silent for a moment, before his dark deep voice said: “Capture him.”
He was carried to the temple of the Feathered Serpent at Teotihuacan and placed on top of the altar.
“This is what you get when these green WEF wackos brainwashed by Klaus Schwab’s global warming hoax get to carry out their Agenda 21! I tried warning you all about this on the ZeroHedge comment section, but nobody upvoted my comment!” He uttered, before the obsidian blade sank into his sternum and the Aztec high priest extracted his heart and held it up towards the sun.
“This is how we shall get our protein!” The priest proclaimed.
The crowd cheered, except for a handful of low status white males who had gathered in the audience. “Um, this is not looking very patriotic, or Christian, or constitutional and I see no freedom here either.” A low status white male by the name of Joe Sixpack said to his drinking buddy. They tried to hurry away through the crowd, but they didn’t make it through, before the crowd turned against them and they were dragged to the altar.
Low status white males were soon being sacrificed and cannibalized left and right. They were even betrayed by their own wives and children. “Go away Mexicans, I am not a low status white male, I’m a medium status white male!” A man by the name of Billy-Bob was recorded as saying.
But then his wife walked up to the door. “Look what I found in his internet history: A two hour rumble.com documentary about how feminism was invented by the Rockefeller foundation and how cervical orgasms are a leftist hoax invented by sexologist Alfred Kinsey! Take him away!” She said, never again was a sign of life to be heard from Billy-Bob.
Five years later
Things are now looking bleak for low status white males. The Aztec empire has resurrected itself and invaded the United States. There are underground resistance organizations, but Klaus Schwab had secretly been training all WEF young leaders to prepare for the prophesied return of the feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl, so low status white males were unprepared for what was about to happen.
In a hut deep in the remote mountain forests in rural West Virginia, three low status white males who call themselves The New Sons of Liberty have gathered together to organize a seance in an attempt to resurrect the spirit of Thomas Jefferson to find new hope for low status white males.
“Durr I don’t know about any of this seance stuff, doesn’t seem very Biblical to me but I ain’t no preacher man.” Cleetus said.
“Look you idiot, these globalists want to keep you weak and pathetic, that’s why they fluoridate the water supply, that’s why they put out all this stupid crap on TV, that’s why they came up with this man-made global warming hoax, that’s why they infiltrated the churches and convinced dumb schmucks like you that you’re not supposed to summon the spirit of Thomas Jefferson, I SAY WE BRING HIM BACK RIGHT NOW!” A man by the name of Alex Jones blurted from the top of his lungs, before entering into a coughing fit.
“I think I’ve overused my voice a bit during my radio career.” He added. “You think so?” Sam, another freedom-loving patriot, quipped. Alex seemed to have natural leadership abilities and so he began the ritual.
“When shall we three meet again,
In thunder, lightning, HAARP manipulated hailstorms, a fake fearmongering lamestream media hurricane or in rain?”
“Look can we skip this part? If low status white males were any good at rhyming they wouldn’t be hunting us down like a pack of feral hogs right now.” Sam responded.
“Alright alright whatever. Hocus-pocus, on Thomas Jefferson we focus.” Alex responded, before his eyes turned back into his head and his skin developed an eerie green glow.
“Servants, why did you wake me up from my eternal rest?” The ghost of Thomas asked through Alex body.
“Thomas, Thomas, there’s an ongoing global genocide against low status white males!” Sam answered.
“Oh, is that it? That’s what you woke me up for? You realize I intended this nation to be for yeoman farmers right? They’re basically the equivalent of a modern day WASP with a verified Twitter account. I mean, you basically look Irish to me. Do you expect me to care? You dumbasses should’ve tried calling Thomas Paine, rather than disturbing me while I could’ve been creampieing my negre-“
“Urr the language has changed Tom”
“Fine what am I supposed to say?”
“Woman of color”
“What? COLORED WOMAN?”
“No, that’s extremely racist.”
“But woman of color is ok?”
“But that’s basically just the same words, in reverse order.”
“Now look Tom, I don’t make the rules here. In fact, after we got the whole global warming thing wrong, low status white males don’t get to decide anything anymore. I’m just telling you that if you don’t want a whole new “Controversy” section added to your Wikipedia page, it’s time you work on your language skills and ditch some of the autism.” Sam insisted firmly.
“Can you just let me go back to bed? Your world sounds hellish.” Jefferson asked.
“Fine.’ Sam responded.
Alex Jones opened his eyes again, the pale green glow on his skin disappeared and he looked around confused.
“What happened?” Alex asked.
“Now look, I don’t want to ruin your day any more than it already is, but there’s probably a reason there’s an All-seeing eye on our dollar bills and on the great seal of the United States. I don’t think these guys were busy looking out for the little man.” Sam said.
“YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN TRAITOROUS MOUTH YOU TRAITOROUS PIECE OF TRASH!” Alex screamed from the top of his lungs, before descending into another even more horrific sounding coughing fit.
“Durrr… now I ain’t the brightest bulb in the box, but maybe if yall want to save our skin, we should be trying to think of someone who genuinely cares about low status white males -pardon me- freedom loving patriotic alpha males like you and me. How about Hitler?” Cleetus asked.
“He called Americans half negrified, half-judaised. The Germans fetishized native Americans and tried allying with Mexico in the first world war, if we resurrect Hitler he’s probably just going to give the Mexicans advice on how to process our corpses.” Sam answered.
“Alright fine, ditch the Hitler idea. How about Lenin?” Alex Jones asked.
“Alex Jones wants to hold a seance to resurrect the spirit of Lenin? Wait until your listeners find out!” Sam responded.
“Alright how about we just point out to them that global warming is a hoax? If we point out this whole end-of-the-world fantasy is just a doomsday cult then they’re going to leave us alone.” Alex Jones suggested.
“Alright fine, I’m going to explain to them that volcanoes emit more CO2 than humans do.” Cleetus said.
“Now hold on there Cleetus, I think that’s kind of hard to defend.” Sam responded.
“It got 6000 likes on Twitter.” Cleetus answered.
“Yeah but so did a post saying evolution is a hoax, the Earth is flat and 6000 years old. Sam said.
“Well the Earth is flat and 6000 years old.” Cleetus responded.
“Fine, Alex, what do you propose?” Sam asked.
“Just point out that all these weather stations are near the big cities, so the warming is all just from the urban heat island effect!” Alex suggested.
“There was this physicist who argued that, then he studied it himself, found out that even without the weather stations affected by the urban heat island effect you still see the same amount of warming and he changed his mind.” Sam responded.
“IT’S CAUSED BY THE FRICKING SUN!” Alex blurted out.
“THEN WHY DO WE SEE MORE WARMING DURING THE NIGHT THAN DURING THE DAY?” Sam asked.
“HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW! THESE GLOBALIST SATANIC PEDOPHILES MUST BE USING HAARP OR SOMETHING!” Alex shouted back.
“WHAT IF IT’S JUST ACTUALLY TRUE!?!?” Sam asked.
“THEN IT’S TOO LATE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BY NOW ANYWAY!” Alex responded.
“AND WHY WOULD THAT BE?” Sam asked.
“BECAUSE OF LOW STATUS WHITE MALES LIKE ME WHO HAVE SPENT THEIR WHOLE CAREER CONVINCING OTHER LOW STATUS WHITE MALES OF THE TALKING POINTS PEDDLED BY THINK TANKS FUNDED BY THE OIL INDUSTRY!” Alex answered.
“Now hold on there Alex. That sounds like a conspiracy. Isn’t that your thing? Warning people about conspiracies?” Sam asked.
“Yeah but people don’t like to hear this one, because it means they have to ditch their SUV, ditch their beef and pay higher energy bills. Whereas when I tell them the whole thing was invented by satan worshipping pedophiles who want to kill us all, then they can feel angry instead of feeling guilty. And human beings tend to prefer feeling angry over feeling guilty. We’d rather think of ourselves as victims than as victimizers.” Alex answered, right as the door went open.
The Mexicans had found their shack in the woods. “Ah, there they are, the new sons of liberty. Very patriotic, very constitutional. I wonder how your liver would taste with some oregano, garlic and some lemon juice.”
“Durr, that stuff is full of carbs, that’s going to make you fat. Just fry the liver in some lard.” Cleetus responded, right before he fainted as his body struggled to function on ketosis. When he woke up again, he was led in chains to the top of a pyramid, where he witnessed Alex Jones having his heart extracted by an Aztec High Priest.