To love

Your whole life consists of a long series of binary choices.

You constantly have to choose, whether you want to win or lose.

When you choose for yourself, you win.

When you love, you lose.

Nobody spends his whole life choosing just one of these two options.

When you choose love there is no reward, love is its own reward.

What we tend to refer to as spiritual growth, means to choose love.

The end result of that, is what we tend to refer to as enlightenment.

The biggest insult in America is “loser”, you can go ahead and draw your own conclusions from that.

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Essentially there’s a dichotomy between stimulant drugs and psychedelic drugs like this too. Cocaine and amphetamines inflate the ego. Psychedelics teach you to love. This is particularly true for mescaline and psilocybe mushrooms. For me personally it seems most pronounced with 5-Meo-DMT.

It’s hard to explain what 5-Meo-DMT does. The effect in my case also seems a little different from what I’ve read. Most people describe a very physically pleasant situation, in my case I just finally feel a sense of empathy for other people that’s otherwise hard to feel, my empathy is mostly just abstract and rational, only for animals do I feel intuitive empathy. But when I take 5-Meo-DMT, other humans suddenly don’t feel evil to me, I’m suddenly able to understand they go through the same sort of stuff as me. Maybe this is just a difference in how autistic brains are wired, but by now I take pretty big insufflated doses (10mg) and I found this effect when I used to just vaporize and inhale it too.

Most people vaporize it, but I prefer to take it up the nose, because it gives you a gradual onset of a few minutes. The rule for insufflation is just that you take a vaporization dose and add 10% plus 2 mg over the vaporization dose. So for example, what you experience on 10mg vaporized, you will experience with 13mg insufflated, but with a longer come-up and come-down. I do plan on eventually vaporizing it again too, but insufflation works well for me. It’s also a psychedelic that seems to trigger very little anxiety for me, compared to the others.

Why I take 5-MeO-DMT? Well, you can look up the studies yourself. It leads your brain to rapidly make new neurons, shuts down inflammation and has a strong anti-depressant and anti-anxiety effect. I just go out to the woods, sit down in the grass, meditate, then insufflate 5-Meo-DMT. There’s nothing quite like it, it makes me more empathic. I get these moods where everyone feels like an annoyance to me, but 5-Meo-DMT shuts that down for me.

Of course I do kind of fear the direction this is going. When I was around 20, I thought to myself: “Well, when I reach a point where I really want to kill myself, I will just take mushrooms instead.” So that’s what I did, I found out it’s great. Then years later when the girl I loved abandoned me, I took another heroic dose and it became a regular thing. They still work reasonably well, but whereas I first took them once, followed by another time years later, eventually I was taking them once every few months and by now every few weeks.

And of course I didn’t stick to mushrooms, I added Salvia Divinorum, mescaline cactuses, DMT, Changa, Ketamine and eventually 5-Meo-DMT. And so what worries me is that the thing with 5-Meo-DMT is that there’s just not really anything after it. I don’t get the impression there’s anything more potent as an anti-depressant. And it works for me, but I fear the idea that eventually it won’t.

On the other hand, you want a well-rounded nervous system. Someone who only takes cannabis just becomes psychotic, someone who only takes ketamine damages their bladder, someone who only drinks coffee turns into an office drone, someone who only smokes destroys their lungs and cardiovascular system. I’d rather take 5-Meo-DMT once every few months, mescaline once a year, mushrooms once a month, cannabis once or twice a week, a glass of beer every day and maintain a well-rounded nervous system.

I can’t say I regret any of it. Honestly, the only thing I regret is not smoking cannabis earlier in high school. You can just look up these studies, teenagers who smoke it once increase their brain’s grey matter content, in a period when you’re still very flexible. The great artists of our era generally took a lot of cannabis or ketamine in their teenage years.

Once you’re older, it gets far more difficult. You mostly just find yourself delaying the natural decline in cognitive flexibility that happens as we age. I’ll be honest, I think I would’ve been perfectly content living a life like Lil Peep, just smoking a lot of cannabis as a teenager, making music, becoming popular and dying young, pushing a lot of quality of life into just a few years.

My friends take Ayahuasca and mushrooms and I can tell their minds age slower than their peers, they maintain a good broad interest in the world. You have to keep in mind, a broad interest in the world doesn’t just mean that you’re interested in evolutionary biology as well as classical literature. It also means that you just still feel like going to a festival, still go skateboarding or still enjoy playing Team Fortress 2. And it means that politically you don’t fit into an easy box.

But look, the most important thing to remember is to just love. Love what you can love. Love your friends, love your family, love the Earth, love the animals, love literature, love music, love history, love exercising, love cuisine, it doesn’t really matter what you love, just focus on what you love and try to cultivate more capacity to love.

I remember this video of this gay guy everyone made fun of because he said people should leave Britney Spears alone. The irony is that if you find yourself unable to empathize with politicians, monarchs or pop stars, in a sense you look up to them more than the people cheering them on. If your mind is filled with love for Monarch Butterflies that’s good, if it’s filled with love for Britney Spears, that’s good too. The only exception I can think of are cult leaders who alienate you from your peers. But beyond that, love is love.

Psychedelics can help with this, while brain damage makes it harder. All the anecdotes of brain damage I see is that people’s personality changed for the worse. And with SARS2 spreading around, almost everyone has some degree of brain damage by now. So I’m suggesting to you to take good care of your brains, there are different tools available to you for this, psychedelics are one example. Tomorrow I’ll have to do an update on the SARS2 situation, as there are some new worrisome signs.