I’m engaging in the process of retrieving buried traumatic memories, that lie dormant in my mind. Buried traumatic memories are a bit like having blood spill on the pavement. People who have blood spilled on their property, due to someone’s death or injury, tend to slip into denial and shame. They typically pour some dirt on there and hope it goes away. This works for a few days, but eventually the stench becomes overwhelming. Traumatic memories are similar. Your brain buries them to help it survive, but it can’t get rid of them on its own and they begin to stink. To address that, I look towards Changa.
I think adults injure children’s psyche. The biggest crime they can typically think of is generally sexual abuse, but adults use children for other forms of gratification as well. As an example, back when I was a 13 year old boy, my tutor at the gymnasium would try to install guilt in me, because I got poor grades. I would sit in front of her in her classroom by myself and she would say: “Don’t you think of your poor parents? Don’t you think they must be sad because you get bad grades?”.
I tend to keep my mouth shut at the exact moments I should speak up for myself unfortunately. What I should have said to her is as following: “Yes Ma’am, I’m well aware. That’s why I look for ways to kill myself, but all of the methods I can find on the Internet seem to be very painful and carry the risk of leaving you crippled. What method would you recommend to me?”
You might say I was a hypersensitive child. Perhaps I was. I wasn’t alone however. This is simply a big problem that is hardly being talked about. I had some friends on MSN Messenger as a teenager, that I got from playing random games on the Internet. One day one of these boys messaged me out of the blue: “Hey, do you happen to know by any chance how I could acquire cyanide pills? I got bad grades in school and I don’t want my parents to find out.”
Most adults don’t really seem to want children. They want factoid-memorizing number-crunchers, who manage to jump through hoops for them until they end up with some degree from a petty credential factory that allows them to feel as if their family is upwardly mobile. A lot of adults end up without children as a consequence, they’re left with the decomposing remnant of a child who did not experience unconditional love. My mother started feeding me omega 3 oil capsules, when I struggled to memorize enough Greek words, because she read somewhere that it would help me memorize more crap. What does that do to a child’s sense of self-worth?
When you date a girl, they tend to want you to open up to them. They need to know about your scars, vulnerabilities and weak spots for some reason. Why do they want to know? To heal you, or to control you? You only tend to find out when they leave again. All I know is that when I did open up, I got “I don’t know if I can handle this” thrown at me. That adds insult to injury. I had tried to explain to her that I had yearned to be homeless at some point, living on the streets, completely devoid of responsibilities. Whenever girls ask boys about their pain, they tend to be quickly reminded that they’re lucky to be girls and shut up again. The statistics show: Girls attempt suicide, whereas boys succeed in it. Why? Because girls know they’ll be comforted, whereas boys know they won’t be.
Children are filled with the potential for immense joy. Middle-aged men need a two million dollar yacht filled with ditzy twenty year old women in bikinis to feel some sense of joy. What does a teenage boy need? A video game is enough. What does a boy need before puberty? Ten year old boys can be happy with a pile of wood and a bunch of trees. They will build their own tree house and they will take water pistols and spray water at each other from the comfort of their own little fortress and they will have the time of their lives, they can only relive a shadow of that joy as adults through a cocktail of drugs.
Maybe it’s envy, maybe it’s greed, but for whatever reason, adults don’t just allow children to live in innocent joy. It always needs to be ruined. The child always has to be used for some ulterior purpose. When humans decide to have children, they should have children for the same reason we organize parties: It’s nice to witness people having innocent fun. There’s one proper motive to have a child: You want to create something that you expect will experience great joy. Every other reason is a reason you should feel ashamed of. After all, the child has no say in being born whatsoever. You need to have some degree of confidence that the child will look at its life as a great blessing, for reproduction to be ethical.
The main reason children become abusive towards each other, is because of the immense pressure adults place them under. As an adult, you sit at your desk, you do some mind-numbing busywork and when it’s 5 PM you’re allowed to leave again. You’ll have plenty of petty tasks left to do at home, but you’re autonomous again. If you’re a child, you have no such luck. You might be allowed to head back home, but then you get to do homework. If you fail to do your homework, the adults will just publicly shame you the next day. And in the social media era, children are never truly away from their classmates either.
Of course when you’re an adult yourself, you figure out how ridiculous all of this intense pressure the adults placed you under is. Let’s say the highest goal to aspire to in life is attending university. If for whatever reason you drop out of kindergarten, they’re forced by law to let you do a test at age 21 in the Netherlands to determine if you’re smart enough to attend. All of the misery and grief I had to go through merely resulted in me needing one extra year to graduate high school before attending university. At university however, the rolling snowball of trauma turned into an avalanche, so it was all in vain after all.
It seems that with a cocktail of psychedelics and cannabis you can overcome trauma. Flood your brain with enough chemicals meant to stimulate growth and it starts filling in the gaps left behind through pain. The easier way however, would be to avoid traumatizing children in the first place. Children should be allowed to be children. Conservatives jerk themselves off when they fantasize about the Asian tiger moms who turn their kids into piano-playing doctors and lawyers. What they tend to ignore are the millions of Japanese who live as Hikikomori, or the sky-high suicide rate in South Korea.
I will without a doubt be accused of racism once again when I say this, but why do you think young black men are so confident? Their mothers love them unconditionally. He drops out of high school? She still loves him. He has a criminal record? She blames society, instead of making him feel ashamed. How about young Asian men? They’re taught by their mothers that love is dependent on getting good grades, so you end up with insecure men who ask their girlfriends permission before kissing them.
I saw some bourgeois white girl a while ago in Hilversum with a shirt that said “the future is black and female”. The only thing I could think to myself was: “Yes you’re right gurl, because all the non-black boys roped after their moms cried when they read their report cards!” I wish people would stop insisting I am some sort of alt-right blogger. I am in fact a radical black feminist: I think we should get rid of all non-black women (particularly young bourgeois white women) and then we should encourage the black women to adopt Asian and white orphans. God is a black mother.
I would feel like a bit of an asshole, if I told young teenage boys reading along faced with a similar situation not to commit suicide. You don’t benefit in any real way from hearing that. I remember being in that situation and realizing that people tell you this out of selfish motives. I don’t ever feel as if I can be in a position to tell someone else not to commit suicide, because that means I’m assuming I know the degree of pain they’re experiencing. I can’t possibly know that.
The only thing I can tell you that I think you genuinely benefit from hearing is as following: It’s all bullshit! The only impact getting bad grades as a thirteen year old has had on my adult life is in how it made adults treat me as a thirteen year old. Do you think anyone cares about the grades you got as a thirteen year old when you apply for a job?
Adults will tell you that getting into a prestigious university is the most important thing on the planet. Here’s an idea however: If you’re the kind of boy who enjoys playing video games or reading Wikipedia more than doing your homework, you probably won’t like going to university and spending your days studying anyway. The world is rapidly changing. The babyboomers thought their kids (my generation) would be wealthy, simply by going to college. Turns out, a college degree is meaningless when everyone has one and now we just have six figure college debts! Who could have seen that coming?
You have to understand that adults will make whatever they want you to feel bad about feel like the worst thing on the planet, that will somehow determine the rest of your life. That’s what they think is necessary to get through to you. You need to remember that this is important to them. They’re trying to turn their problems into your problems and then they expect you to solve them. But don’t worry, that is not your responsibility. You’re young. Your responsibility isn’t memorizing factoids, it’s making happy memories. We’re going to do better than them and you will do better than us.