Welcome to the 2028 world government election candidates debate! I’m your host Bill Witherspoon and I’d like to introduce you to this year’s candidates.
On the left we have Xi Jinping, chairman of China’s communist party! Next to him we have resurrected Adolf Hitler, an old politician from Austria. Next to him we have the former governor of California, Gavin Newsom! Finally to our right, we have Joe Sixpack, of the newly formed low status white male party!
Issue I: Climate change
Our first topic of discussion is climate change. We got a lot of viewer questions about this. I’d like to give every candidate 30 seconds to explain to their viewers what your solution would be to tackle this problem. Starting with, Xi Jinping!
“It’s clear that this threat must be urgently addressed. Fortunately, under my leadership China has been instrumental in transitioning the world to electric vehicles. We have demonstrated that strong central leadership is necessary to steer the market in the right direction. It can not be expected to solve problems on its own.”
“Thank you, resurrected Adolf Hitler, it’s your turn!”
“First of all, my title is not “resurrected”. It’s Reichskanselier. I am Germany’s Reichskanselier. I grew a little hopeless in my bunker, but my successor is dead, so naturally the title reverted to me. You caught me a little off guard. Please give me thirty second to read up on this topic on my phone.”
“Hold on… you are telling me that this rootless mob of Jewish swindlers has succeeded through finance capitalism into transforming this whole planet into a global greenhouse and so you became so desperate you decided it was time to see if I could help you out? What’s this I see here… a Bitcoin? Fake gold made from coal plants? You have turned Jewish finance capitalism into a parody of itself! You are expecting me to solve this problem for you? Ha. There is nothing left to save here! What did you resurrect me for? This is an insult!”
Alright, thank you Reichskanselier, it’s time for Governor Newsom to give us his thoughts.
“Climate change is the biggest challenge of our generation. But I believe not in despair, but in the power of American innovation. Through a just and equitable transition to renewable energy, we can-“
“Entschuldigung. Can someone make this man shut up? I can not bear the sound of this Jewish puppet dancing on his strings.”
“Reichskanselier, we’d like to give everyone 30 seconds. You got a minute yourself, it’s only fair-“
“Yes. It’s only fair. Under that motto you destroyed the world, didn’t you? Every idiot and every clown gets to say his bit and then you stir it all together and call the brown sludge you create democracy. If it’s working out so well for you, why did you resurrect me?”
Governor Newsom, would you like to respond to this?
“It’s clear that Mr. Hitler does not believe in American values. And we’ve seen how well his German values have worked out for the world. Now we learn that even a simple debate about policies is impossible with him.”
“Debate, debate. Greatness is never shaped by debate. It is shaped by passion, the collective will of a people, manifested in a single leader! That is how something is accomplished, instead of this mediocre aimless drift towards oblivion, once the Jews have extracted everything there is to find. Perhaps our friend here from China understands it better.”
“Why yes, I have to agree with the German chancellor that the American system of debate and compromise is not adequate to cope with an existential crisis of this scale.”
“Now hold on y’all. I haven’t had my turn to say anything yet. And I see that Hitler, the Chinese maoist communist marxist president Pingping Ting AND THE LIBERAL GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA are all in agreement on this matter. And that doesn’t give you people any second thought? I’ll give it to you straight Bill. It’s a hoax, intended to create a one world government under a single carbon tax. And what does it matter if we reduce our emissions, when CHINA is building 5000 new-“
May I remind you: You’re running for world president.
“Oh yes that’s right Bill. But I’m like Nigel Farage, I infiltrate the system to destroy it from within!”
“This obese cretin here illustrates perfectly well why I call the Americans half Judaized and half negrified. You can blow up the mountains in front of his door, you can poison his rivers and he will dance to the tune of his Jewish masters by pretending not to see a thing as the fires consume his homeland. He is severed from his soil, he is beyond redemption.”
“Now hold on there Mr. Hitler. I never said Jews run the world, don’t go putting no words in my mouth. It’s the Zionists of the Bilderberg group who are working together with the Jesuits and the black nobility of the Vatican along the British royal family to-“
“Yes yes, enough of this nonsense, I heard enough of these debates before I became chairman of the NSDAP, every lunatic had his own theory. My genius lies in taking what all these mediocre angry morons believe, distilling it down to its bare essence and then constantly feeding it to them like you would a child.”
“Look Mr. Hitler. I think you are falling for these elitists and their agenda without realizing it. They created this hoax to control us and take away our grassfed beef and they will do the same to the proud patriotic people of German-“
“Oh of course, you people still eat meat. Twelve years is not enough to convert a continent to Dharma. Trust me, I tried. Don’t blame me for the law of Karma coming back to bite you people in the arse.”
Issue II: Eugenics
Bill Witherspoon: I think we’ve heard enough on this topic. It’s time for our next subject. This is a bit controversial, but it has to be addressed. There’s now a consensus our IQ is in rapid decline. Scientists believe at least part of the problem can be traced back to genetic erosion. That is, generations of highly educated women abstaining from reproduction, coupled with low infant mortality rates have allowed genetic defects to build up in our population, resulting in reduced cognitive capacity. How should we go about addressing this issue? I’d like to start with Hitler, who developed a bit of a reputation on this topic.
Hitler: “It’s easy. You take the best men from your ranks and make them swear direct loyalty to you. Then you set up clinics, where women they impregnate are taken care of. You reward women for having large families, you give them medals. And when it comes to the criminals, the degenerates, the handicapped, well we have a humane way to take care of them. It’s so humane, I see you still use it for pigs to this day! Well no, wait, you don’t. We used cyanide, which does not make you feel like you are choking. You Jewish serfs are poisoning pigs with carbon dioxide, they spend their last moments feeling as if they are about to choke.”
Xi Jinping: “I like Mr. Hitler’s suggestions, although I’m more keen on forced sterilization myself, that’s how I deal with my ethnic minorities.”
Hitler: “As I said before, the Chinese have an ancient civilization, as great as ours, if not greater.”
Xi Jinping: “Why thank you Mr. Hitler for this kowtow, you are indeed correct.”
Governor Newsom, would you like to comment?
Newsom: “I think these two men have just demonstrated their barbarity to the world. Under my watch, we will have a eugenics policy that is humane and compatible with a democratic liberal society. We will use the Internet, mass media and pornography, to take the most autistic, depressed, socially isolated and mentally ill teenagers.”
Hitler: “And then what?”
Newsom: “Then we convince those teenagers, that they were born into the wrong body.”
Hitler: “Wrong body? So you mean like a noble Germanic soul, cast into the degenerate vehicle of a Jew? I would be depressed too!”
Newsom: “No, I was thinking more in terms of gender. We invented a new gender called non-binary, which involves surgically removing a girl’s breasts. We also convince the autistic depressed and socially isolated teenagers through the Internet that they need to take puberty blockers, so their bone structure does not reveal their birth sex. Then we take their underdeveloped genitalia and surgically reconstruct them into the opposite sex.”
Hitler: “You are kidding me right? You take lonely depressed teenagers and fool them through propaganda from Sapphic Jewish college professors to turn their bodies into a surgeon’s playground? This is an outrage! The cruelty of these Jews knows no limits! I demand you take this cruel tyrant away from this stage!”
Newsom: “Now Hitler is making it very clear that transphobia and hatred of the LGBTQI+ community is engrained in far-right ideology from the very-“
Hitler: “The LGBTQI+ community? What is this nonsense? You use Internet algorithms to feed people’s delusions back to them and then you call it a community?”
Joe Sixpack: “Now hold on, as a member of the monkey torture community, I have to-“
Hitler: “DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?”
Bill Witherspoon: “Chairman Xi, would you like to comment on this?”
Xi Jinping: “Certainly. Through our Great Firewall, we have succeeded at prohibiting our teenagers from being exposed to deviant American internet propaganda. We teach our boys to be boys and our girls to be girls.”
Hitler: “I’m beginning to like this man more and more. We are not demons or barbarians. If someone is unable to fit into your society, you don’t turn them into some sort of lifelong surgical abomination, you just euthanize them!”
Joe Sixpack: “Now look Mr. Hitler I get where you’re coming from, but you have to admit there’s a lot of money to be made with this LGBTQIwhatchammacallit thing, they held one of these parades in my town the other day and they spent a lot of money at my hot dog stand.”
Newsom: “Exactly, I’m glad Mr. Sixpack is beginning to understand it! Tolerance and diversity are the engines of economic growth! America’s plastic surgeons are the world’s best, people come from all over the world to experience an American gender transition!”
Bill Witherspoon. That’s all the time we have today for this debate. I’d like to thank our participants. Be sure to join us next time.